Even darker

I want to watch a movie. I want to draw. I want to do everything that I just can't. Asking myself what is the point anyway. I get bored, my thoughts take up too much space, the sadness is suffocating me. My headache is also half killing me today. It's so hard to focus on anything else when something is pounding in my forehead.

Ugh, why am I thinking about necrophilia? Can someone please enlighten me as to why those thoughts are suddenly in my head? Oh but I know why, I just don't want to know that. They've been circulating in my head for many years now, just that usually they don't rise to the surface. I don't want to be that way, but apparently I am. Sigh. I hate my fucked up brain, but what can I do about it?

That's not the worst kind of thoughts I have either, they truly do come in even more disturbing versions. Thank gods I'm nearly asexual and actually do have some sense of right and wrong. At least when it comes to that even more disturbing thing. Just about as low and awful as you can get. But I keep thinking that as long as those thoughts and feelings remain as such and never step out from my brain I'm good.

Like, I can't even see certain programs/movies on tv, or look at certain kind of pictures without feeling it. It fucks me up on very deep levels how the fuck I'm actually wired. I've never lived out that fantasy, and I never would either. Is there a crime to have certain thoughts? If you never act upon them, are the thoughts themselves dangerous or a threat somehow? I guess a part of me is afraid of them ever possibly becoming that way.

That they would leak out, or that it would be too tempting one day. That I'll just "want to try" and next thing I know I'm destroying more lives. And for what, pleasure? When did I ever feel pleasure with an equal, how can I then be so sure I would with a non-equal? I can't really be less abstract than this, I simply don't want anyone to know what kind of monster is crawling inside of me. I think it's, also that, a part of my darkness that I'm supposed to learn how to control. But I'm still damned if I do and damned if I don't cause the thoughts themselves damn me whether I act upon them or not.

Cause it makes me one of them. Those people, often men, that no one can't really look in the eyes of. I cannot ever share it, even if I had wanted to. But holy crap it messes with my head whenever those thoughts pop up to the surface. I literally don't know what to do with myself. They come unannounced, uninvited, unwelcome. I remember it must have been about 2 years ago now since they last surfaced. I couldn't really think about much else for weeks after seeing something on the tv. I had never seen before... someone like that... oh shit it really fucked me up.

I don't want to think about it anymore, it makes me dizzy. I don't think there's a single "forbidden" thought that I have not had. I think they've all entered my brain one way or another at one point or another. Some went as quickly as they came, others stayed and kept replaying in my head. I've created so many dark worlds in my mind, things that would make most sensible people turn around and run away as quickly as they can. Anything from very precise murder plans to that thing I just can't even mention. How I twist and turn my memories of the traumas I went through into grotesque horror shows. Twist and turn it to even more horrible versions.

It just can't get dark enough in the darkest corners of my mind. "I've been looking for an original sin..." as Meat Loaf sings in my favourite song by him. Yeah, I have the potential to start doing really horrible things, worse and even way worse than what I already have done. Something keeps me from starting though. If it's prison, righteousness, morals or whatever I don't know. My sense of what's right and wrong always has been a little off. So perhaps it's not that. But something does hold me back and that I truly am glad for.

I don't know what's wrong with me, why I'm driven to the deepest, darkest thoughts one can possibly imagine and do actually want to make them real. I've always been that way. It could be my hatred towards humanity, that I as a child saw myself as higher and better than everyone else. I looked down on my peers, thought they were worth less somehow. But that way of thinking changed as I got older. I realised that I'm just different, not better, more likely I was the one who was worth less.

But still the dark thoughts and feelings stayed with me. Even increased. Developed. Grew. I don't think they're very healthy, I think they've already driven me to do two very serious crimes. And I am scared of them driving me off the edge like that again. That I would give in to such violent and awful acts and thrive. That that would be what I've been looking for all my life, the final puzzle piece.