Forever and always

It's escalating, turning down my soul. And I mimic every fragile motion, lost in speech. It would have been nothing to die for you, it would have been so easy to die for you. I wanted to be everything, everything for you. But cast me away, but I know you need me, just not that way. It shouldn't matter but it does.

I can't let go of you today, K. I want to give you the world but I can't even tell you that I love you. And I think I told my teachers about you for the first time today. We were asked to write about one person that is important to us and of course I chose you. No names mentioned, no personal information about you stated. Just what you mean to me.

You're the most important person of my life now, how can I not... And everything falls apart, I can't uphold my life anymore, I just let it fall apart. For everything and everyone I could never stay for. I live on my own terms now, whatever that means. It doesn't include any law breaking, but it does include me slowly killing myself.

And I can just barely stay awake, I keep napping all the time, on the couch or with my head on the desk. My tiredness drives me half insane, and it's only gonna get worse. How long can I run on empty? Time will tell, we'll see and time will tell. And nothing is going too far or too deep, there's just no such thing. Not anymore.

And I wish, somehow that one day you'll find my blog after I've told you everything and you'll read a bit and understand more. How you're my entire world and my every thought and feeling still revolves around your existence 2,5 years later. I have a sensation it will be closer to 3 years by the time I do tell you though. I'm waiting for the right opportunity and I'd prefer it if we're meeting in real life. For possible hugs at least.

And I would do anything, anything to at least see you one more time. I wish I could go over to wherever you are and celebrate Christmas with you. But I know it wouldn't work out that way. And I would probably be intruding a private family/relative gathering that I'm not a part of in any sense. And my own family would freak out. No, I'll just have to try and survive this damn year and make it into 2016 and try to arrange something by the time of spring. How, I'm not sure.

Cause I would have to be able to stay at my best friends' place and at the same time come at a time when you're available too. Not that your life is as busy as theirs, but still. If you'd even want to see me, maybe you wouldn't want to see anyone, maybe none of us are still alive by then. It's so hard for me to plan things, you see, things keep blocking my thoughts.

But all I know is that I need to see you at least just one more time before I die. You're my top priority. And if we can arrange a meeting, I'll talk like never before. I'll swallow the lump in my throat as hard as I can and then just say it. Straight out, just like that. Cause I wouldn't be able to say it slowly and methodically, bit by bit. It has to come out all at once and that preferably before I pass out of nervosity.

I'd probably both blush and hyperventilate, I might pass out too. Even if I sit down. It's something I can never quite prepare myself for, the emotional overdose that will most likely overheat me tremendously. I'll dance my final dance, I'll take my final chance. Cause I might throw chances away like garbage but ultimately, when given a last chance, I don't fuck it up. Then I'm in for it, 100% and nothing can make me back down or take cover.

Cause I'm stronger and braver than what might seem real. And I'll reach out, once and for all. I'll let the wild beast in my heart out of its cage to roam free. Untangled, uninhibited, free. Let my flickering flame finally burn and the ice will finally melt. I'll go out to the deepest of waters and just dive. Cause it no longer matters what will happen, K, you can never be mine, so you might as well know. That all of my heart, soul, mind and body is yours. Even yours to decline, even that.

And I know you will, but it's okay, cause I probably couldn't live either way. I want to be finished with life before I go, and I can't just leave you without letting you know. I'm sorry that I'm not the right person for you, I'm sorry that whatever we both feel it isn't the same. I'm sorry for so much but I'm trying to keep my head up, trying to go on, for as long as I'm meant to be.

I suddenly feel so lonely. And I wouldn't accept just anyone's company, just yours. My imagination keeps running wild, it's never been this wild before. Not even when I first fell for you. I still remember the date, May 31st 2013. I have it saved on my computer, the first picture I kinda stole from your tumblr. Now I have over hundreds saved. Would never let them come to any actual use, I only keep them for my own sake.

So much has changed since then, almost everything. The only thing similar would be my home and my family situation. I'm not the same anymore, and neither are you. But I love all that you are and ever have been, and all that you will be. It's actually not more complicated than that. I just love you so completely and entirely. No matter what.

But bad luck kept turning my dreams into sand. And I no longer know where I stand. So much went unnoticed, unspoken. First time I planned on telling you was in October 2013. It was the first time we really met in person and to me, that night was pure magic. You had your partner already then, but it was as if she didn't exist to me. In my world there was only me and you and everything was just darkness. It didn't exist. Hardly could I walk, hardly could I breathe or talk.

But we talked so much, we shared so much. And still today that is my best memory of you. My favourite night. And I do want it back, I really do, but I know I can't have it back. It saddens me how I think of all the moments we lost. And all that could never have been. And I damn myself for having such high hopes, for thinking even for a second that I had a chance. My hopes are killing me, but I can't let go. I can never let go of you.

I shiver, but I'm not cold. It's some kind of frission, that texts, lyrics and songs give, but not only that. I feel it all over my body over and over again. I'm an emotional crisis today and I feel everything so deeply. So very easily affected by everything.

And I see you through my stripey hair that hangs lifelessly over my face. I cannot hold my focus much longer, I have to. Bouncing back to this text for hours, will it ever finish? I have so much to tell you, I could write a whole book about everything I've ever wanted to say. But my fingers are tired and so is my head. All the caffeine in the world couldn't steer up this tiredness, and neither could sleep.

I try to mix it up, sleep and caffeine, keeping up some form of balance. Staying awake in case you'd call or text, constantly waiting for what will never happen. And I'll never stop waiting, cause somehow I still want to believe in miracles. My dream may be shattered but my hopes still live on. My hopes are my saviour and the end of me. You're the glow in my eyes, the soft spots in my heart evening out the sharp edges. I need you and I'll never stop needing you.

I've kept going this far, but someday soon my journey reaches its end. And I will hope that we'll meet again someday, when the timing is right. Cause I think I love you more than Caspian. That's saying a lot. But truth will find its way eventually, it always does. And when that day comes, I'll tell you everything. But that is not today and my silent words will wither into cyber space. I love you, I always, always will.