Oh, it's 7:24 and it's officially Friday. And they just turned off the street lights. Eh fuck, I've already drunk half the bottle of vodka, I don't even feel close to satisfied. Who cares if I buy another bottle in a few hours? Maybe my mother who's officially paying for it, but still. She doesn't have to know. I finally ordered my damn foundation just a few minutes ago. It will likely arrive on Monday or Tuesday.
Don't know what to tell the crew when I'll be drunk out of my head in 1,5 hours when they'll call. Like "hey, I'm drunk, I'm fine, yes I'll take my meds now please fuck off" or something like that. And random memories of K pop up in my mind, as I remember possibly our latest webcam session or what to say and he played a song in the background and I was like oh my god I know that music group and he was like yes! Complete joy from both of us for a few seconds. His partner was there too and she was like completely clueless. Oh my god I love that moment, those few seconds. Ours entirely.
I so wish to webcam with him again sometime, but then there are issues here and there. I just logged in on Skype for the first time in months and he hasn't really been online there for about as long. I miss him endlessly tonight, I miss our conversations and webcamming and everything. I simply miss skyping with him. If it so was a Sunday night and me planning on school the next day I'd so fucking skip it just to be with him. I don't care if his partner would be there too or not.
And I really should start saying them instead of her but I'm just so afraid that would totally blow my cover. Maybe I'm too drunk to care, but sane enough to know that respecting pronouns is so fucking important? Like I've been there myself for fucking years and if I do respect them at all I should also respect their pronouns? Said and done, I'm respecting from now on, I might be a mess, but still humane enough to not be an ass.
And if they're still reading my blog this would for sure blow my cover, but I don't care, I don't care, cause I'm drunk, I'm drunk. I juuust wrote about accepting them as my friend on this stupid blog and still not respecting them enough to say them? I hardly understand myself, but perhaps I wanted to... no I can't fucking say it. Forget it, please, if you can. I've been horrible but if they still read this crap and know what I'm writing right now, here's to them: yes I've known for quite a while, we still have each other's facebook and tumblr and world of warcraft but I've been an ass and I'm trying to change.
It's a forever ongoing process and accepting you as my friend is still hard only because we're in love with the same person. I can't get it out of my head. I'm sorry, I really am. I try to be a better person and I know I don't deserve him at all, and I should treat you better I really should. I should accept everything as it is but my reality is a mess. I do still, as I said before, feel happy for you to have found literally the best person in the world and he loves you. You could never get any better than that, and I know you know it as well as I do although you don't know that I know it.
Really complicated but it also is not. We just happen to love the same person, and that is that. I'm now drunk out of my senses and I hope I won't regret posting this. I feel it is important even beyond my fucked up senses. I need to just show some fucking respect and then maybe I'll get somewhere in life. They respect me, why shouldn't I respect them? Just cause my damn feelings want to simplify things or whatever. Just because of what I'm used to. People around me always change, it shouldn't be this hard.
And I purposely leave out information about them, it's simply none of your business and up for them to tell you if they want to. I just know it's weird to change pronouns somewhere in the middle of everything but I'm not really such an awful person. I'm just very conflicted and I think conflict should be my middle name or something. Almost finished my 6th glass of vodka-coke by now, excuse me for not functioning that well. But I mean everything I've said, I just might have worded it differently if I was sober.
Oh my god why couldn't I let him know first? Now my mom knows, my best friend knows, Y knows and now possibly his partner figured it out. All before I could tell him. Him, my main reason to even be alive. But I love leaving these clues, like what if yo can find out without me actually telling you anything? Like yeah what, I said nothing. La la la, I haven't said a word... I'm not bummed when people find out, I'm honestly relieved. Cause then I can talk about him, share some of my bottled up feelings that I just keep bottling up.
But I'm really always hesitant to put out too much information. After all, this blog is not about him but about me, everything that is me including my feelings for him and all my thoughts regarding him. Sometimes it's hard to hold my tongue though, I have to admit. Wow, I never really knew I could write this freely in English when being this drunk before... just saying. Alright, I think this is my final glass of booze, that it will be enough after 6 glasses. Don't want to spend all my vodka at once.
It's now 8:17 and I'm still awake. It's almost been an hour and yes, I do keep track of what I'm writing even in this drunken state. I suddenly feel like calling my best friend but I know it's not the right time or place. Then suddenly I thought of the horribly horrible experience it was to travel to K where he lived back in 2014, that summer, that party the 20th July. And how amazing I felt when I had reached my destination and he was there at that bus station and greeted me with a hug and offered me booze. I couldn't have been much happier.
My Firefox always remembers which tab I keep going back to. I find that comforting somehow. Of course it leads me to a picture of K on his tumblr. I don't always go back to the same picture, but fall for a new one every other month or so. And I hate my fingers for not obeying me as I try to write but constantly hit the wrong keys. You wouldn't believe the massive amount of editing I do just to make this text readable. Now preparing my first cup of coffee for a while hoping it can maybe possibly sober me up a bit. It's 8:40 and next time I eat I can let it stay in me. Starting over for a new day.
My mind takes me places again. I don't know how to get it back to some kind of reality. And now I'm half freaking out (in a good way) cause K reblogged one of my reblogs and I just can't stop thinking about how amazing he is. That was indeed a really good gif though, but I'm thinking no one really knows what I meant by it though. It said: "I know no one can stop me, including myself" and I meant my suicide. I wonder what he meant by it. Nothing all too serious I hope, I know those kind of thoughts aren't too alien for him either. Though, I could have meant my eating disorder too. I'm not actually all that certain. But they both tie together though, my ED and suicide.
The crew just called and I said I might be asleep when they call again cause I've been up all night. Didn't mention my drinking at all, cause it's simply none of their business. And now I'm changing my language settings to Swedish on facebook only to find out what K's partner actually goes as... I'm being slightly obsessed to get it fucking right. In either and both languages. Sometimes it's just twice as much work being bilingual. But oh well.
Not even sure if this is outing or being respectful but hopefully the latter. It's not like I'm mentioning their name or anything. But I know I might be too obvious by now. Too careless, even though I'm sobering up, still I just want to make it right from now on, and this post still feels important. Is that even remotely wrong by me? I should have done it months ago, fucking months.
No, I can't let it go. Not completely. I keep yawning but I don't really feel tired. Not more than usual at least. I'll probably crash soon though. My mind just keeps giving me these short little moments of imaginary conversations with K that make me laugh or smile or both and I have no idea what's going on. I just miss him so much. Ugh, looking though every picture of him I have saved on my computer, every one of them leave me either drooling, giggling, smiling, gasping or completely breathless. I don't know ho many they are, but maybe 150 or so. So not that many... I'm completely hopeless, I know.
"I've been living so long with these pictures of you that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel" from "Pictures of you" by The Cure. I feel that so much right now, I shiver to the bone. Or I'm just cold, I can't really tell right now. Oh my god if my brain could just stop with those imaginary conversations already, no please don't, they're all I have. I wish that wasn't so.
It's 9:50 and I'm still awake. I feel much clearer right now and it's a lot easier to write. I think maybe that coffee helped me sobering up a little. I think I'll stop writing for now, but I'll be back soon again. It would become so incredibly much if I was to post everything at once, and also, it's time for me to start a new document to write in, as I can't really call this day November 19th anymore. It's been an interesting night nonetheless but it's over now and it's daytime. So many thoughts I'll bring with me to November 20th because of all the things I've thought. I'll be back soon enough though, just count on it.
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