Morning thoughts

I think I love this black, knitted sweater/cardigan so much that I don't even care if I look curvy in it. It's very long, almost like a dress, reaching down to just below my butt. When I bought it at a thrift store in Uppsala a couple of years ago it was a little too small but now it fits me perfectly.

It's obviously a women's garment but I don't really care about that either. Most of my clothes are women's or unisex. Me being quite small and almost only shopping at thrift stores. The only men's clothes I can find there are often way too big, in sizes similar to xl and up. And I'm a strong medium, almost a small. Soon I will be taking size small, then xs, then children's clothes.

I was taking xs in men's when I was around 16 years old, but I was heavier then than I am now. I must have been less curvy back then. It's hard to focus on anything when being this cold. But I'm too lazy to put on my fleece robe. My sadness is always so present, makes my words feel cold and empty, emotionless.

Alright, last try at school for this week today. I will be purposefully forgetting my book today, I just can't fucking read. Not in this state. I guess I'll take a walk or something instead. It's the first day of my fast, I'll be able to gather some amount of energy. The chance of crashing today is minimal. So I'll walk, I'll walk as much as I want to.

And why do people always think I have seasonal affective disorder? I don't even understand where that is coming from. No, I do not have it. Sure, feeling like shit comes and goes in cycles for me, but it's not effected by the weather or the season at all. It's my brain that is to blame, not anything outside of it. I likely have dystymia if any depression disorder, I'm half sad basically all the time, but some periods other shit arises and that makes me hate my life more than usually.

I don't have SAD just because I'm feeling down this autumn/winter, it's because I just relapsed into my eating disorder right after my heart broke for the 10th bloody time. I can't blame the season for that. I'm just broken and I just keep on breaking. No matter if it's winter, summer, spring or autumn, I keep breaking apart.