Lost in my poems and the sadness they bring. I'm rocking myself again, at least it keeps me warm. These thoughts are killing me. I've had enough of everything, of this hunger that never stops and all this pain, I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep forever. So I just ate but I'm still torn apart between thoughts and feelings. Wanting to be able to say absolutely everything with just one poem but I don't even think that would be possible. I've tried though, and I keep trying.
And suddenly I snap back into reality again. It's all I can ever think of and the thought keeps ravaging my mind. And when reality hits I stop smiling and get that sinking, horribly painful feeling again. Like it all just washes away and it leaves me so empty. So in pieces. But my thoughts are all I have and these broken feelings I can't put together again.
As the sun goes down and the darkness slowly comes again, I feel heavier than before. I know I can't escape it and I shouldn't drink but all I can think about is how much I'd rather just drown the night before it comes. I'm restless for a future I can't have and devastated by the reality. It's been months, half a year, and I'm still in pieces. I think I forever will be. For as long as I hold on to him and I'll hold on forever.
Managed to escape to sleep to get out of boredom. It worked for those hours but now I'm awake and therefore bored again. Shifting faster between being too warm and too cold now. I have no idea what's going on. And yes I have my next shot of testosterone tomorrow, but rather late, at 15:15 or something like that. Still can't decide if I should go to school tomorrow or not. I know I should, but it's hella restraining "classes" and I just don't know if I'd even survive that. Yeah, we'll see what I'll do. Gotta be awake by the morning for starters, and I just woke up from the couch.
My latest selfie got 12 notes. I don't even understand. Half of all those people don't even follow me. Have to, have to, just fucking have to fast this weekend. Gotta give it more than just one try. I can't stand my fat and having been on the same weight for a fucking month.
Slowly getting too tired again, I guess I'll go to bed soon. I'm hungry but just can't allow myself more food for today. My body can complain however much it wants, I don't care. And I'll edit out a lot of text cause it's just not the time nor the place and I'm just rambling the same nonsense again and again. I'm so tired of myself and my lack of brain capacity lately. What even is there to say?
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