Their 3 year anniversary? Jesus, how did that happen? When I fell for him they had only been together for about a year. Guess they didn't count their time off then. Back when they were not together, those months, I really did think that he was over her and that they wouldn't ever get back together again. The things he said... I can't say what it was. I must have misinterpreted it somehow, I must have. Or heard what I wanted, or something like that. But I always somehow knew that I never had my chance, not even then.
Cause at that party, they had been single for a few months or so but I could tell they were still closer together than anyone else at that party. It hurt when I saw them together, even just as "friends". Perhaps I wasn't the only one who saw it. But I tried not to, tried to think that it was just because of their history together. And now I fear them marrying. Cause it would be definite somehow. Then it won't matter how much longer I'm willing to wait for him, all the chances that never was will have passed. And it could never be just the two of us.
Unless she dies and he's somehow miraculously okay with that and ready to start dating me instead. No, I won't kill her for that, won't even wish her dead. Just wishing he didn't love her so damn much, just wish he loved me like that instead. It would definitely put even more of a strain on my heart if or when they do get married. Living would be even harder, if not impossible.
How can my heart have fucked up so badly? Falling for someone unobtainable and then refuse to let go of them until they marry someone else and then there's nothing left but shatter? Perhaps it needs to be destroyed. It's my last remaining link to this world. Love. Half impossible, extremely unlikely and practically chanceless. But it's my hope, my last string of hope in the entire world.
It will break and fall apart, I can feel it somehow. Like trembles in the earth before an earthquake. I'm like the small animals who can feel it much more in advance than humans. Months, possibly even years. But oh how I hate it that his, possibly ultimate, happiness would be my definite end. I wish I could be at his wedding, silently watching the whole ceremony from a corner, appropriately dressed, covering my tears of despair with happy tears for the newly wed. I would be happy for him, but it would be the death of my heart.
Ultimately, I cannot control what I feel. That my love for him is tearing me apart and is worse than my anxiety and depression slammed together. It's worse than anything I've ever felt. But it's also the best, to feel that love so wildly and vividly with all of my senses. It makes me feel so alive. To be able to love someone unconditionally, a chosen someone who isn't my own blood. That love is a mess inside my broken heart, it leaks out through the cracks and fills the whole me. All of me, not just my heart, loves him.
I cannot control what it does to me, or where it will one day drive me. I could be perfectly happy for him, that he found the love of his life and everything is seemingly going so well in that department, and still break to pieces that I cannot possibly put back together again. I can only control my actions, or erh, to a certain degree at least. Is it insanity? If love kills, if love literally kills you, drives you to suicide as if it was literally taking over all your control? If you just act blindly without being able to think at all?
No, I wouldn't be able to control my actions. I would not be able to think. At all. I would be 110% broken feelings and nothing else. So, are my feelings dangerous, or would they be? No, but what they could cause would definitely be dangerous. It's not unreasonable to think it's possible they do get married by the spring/summer and that that is the big event that will forever change my life. Into nothing but pure tragedy. Nothing would be left of me, nothing but ashes, my flickering flame will have burned out.
I believe it so strongly, that I wouldn't survive that. Gosh, how could I even want to? I would have no hopes left at all, there would be nothing but despair. I can't even imagine just how much I think it would break me. And... I'd also know that he's okay, well taken care of and safe. I think I could trust her to keep him safe, at least in some sense, and to keep loving and caring about him at all times. I think I could leave him in her hands then, and it would be somewhat easier for me to leave, knowing that he has her.
So no, it wouldn't at all only be negative through my eyes. It would almost kinda be, the best that ever can happen for him, and I do know that he matters more to me than I do to myself. His happiness is after all more dear to me than my entire life is. Than any aspect of my life. And if he could be happy and I die, sort of in the same sweep, it would almost still be a winning situation for me. Hey, I think I'll die anyway, okay? If not from that then from something else. It would be a powerful way to go out of this world.
And I fear it and look forward to it at the same time. I hope for it, but it would be horrible. All the conflicting feelings that would explode within me, I would not be able to cope very long. I'd give it a week tops, possibly less. I can't stop chain smoking. They're celebrating their 3 year anniversary and I'm at home alone, chain smoking fucking cigarettes and writing half a book on how I feel about that not knowing if this would be safe to post or not.
Maybe I don't care. If anyone figures it out who they are upon reading this, maybe I just don't fucking care anymore. Cause maybe I need to finally vent this, this totally legit fear that I have. That I think this could just be the ultimate thing that will kill me one way or another. That this is the storm I've been awaiting all my life. And besides, I have no obligation to keep their identities secret. It's just something I chose to do, for whatever reasons.
It's getting harder to breathe in this cigarette smoke now, like it's half blocking my airways. But I have to keep on, I'll keep smoking until the end, I will never ever stop, not for anything. It's like the only really reliable comfort that I have. My favourite poison, tonight it keeps me above the surface. Yet I haven't completely crumbled, yet it's not even started.
But I can feel it somehow, that it's going to happen and all I can do is trying to mentally prepare myself. For the heartbreak of all heartbreaks. I'll keep breaking my own heart, until there's nothing left to break. And in the end I won't pretend. Won't keep up appearances, no... I'll go out in a storm, in wildfire, in thunder and tsunamis. I'll let you know when it's the end of the world.
No comments:
Post a Comment