Sadness fulfill me

I'm listening to Sigur Ros as I drown in my sadness. Just let it devour me. I'm having some tea and will try to go to bed as soon as I think there's any point in it. And I want to watch the end of "Vanilla Sky" but what would be the point. I think about the main character's love for that girl in that movie. And it reminds me of my love to K. Especially if you get to the end, you'd understand. 150 years could pass, I'd still love him the same.

More spoilers I'm not gonna give. But I just love that movie, American version. I've seen the original Spanish one too but it just doesn't give me the same overwhelming emotions. My life is nothing like the main character's, yet I just feel him so much. I don't even remember when I first saw the movie, but at least 6-7 years ago, possibly more. Most of my favourite movies I've seen a fairly long time ago. I just don't make favourites that easily.

And I've watched so many movies in my life. Probably thousands. My family used to collect them like crazy and then each one of us have collected on our own since me and my sister became adults, basically. And now I can't even watch something for 10 minutes. It feels like I've lost an important part of myself and damned if I do but I keep trying.

Thinking maybe one day I'll break through and see through a whole movie. Could be "Vanilla sky" or anything else. But I hope it's that one, it always reads closure to me somehow. Cause even though it is about unobtainable love, it's about so much more than that. If you've watched it enough times, scratched its surface. I want for it to be the last movie I'll ever watch.

So I'll save it. Until I feel the end is much more near, whenever that will be. I wouldn't say it's my number one favourite though, but I don't know for sure which one would be number one. It depends on my mood, my personality at the time. Speaking of which, I could never figure out what type of personality I have, cause it just keeps changing. Or maybe I just out smarted all those online tests, or maybe, just maybe, my personality is so rare it isn't even documented.

I do however, in a way believe we all have different personalities, each and every person. And to try and lump them up into 16 categories is just doomed to fail. I'm hardly the only one who can't get a correct answer, or an answer that isn't different every single time.

And the sadness gradually becomes softer as I let it run through me. Like stone melting into sand, and further into a soft powder. It suffocates but I don't need to breathe. It's a part of me, I feel as though it is crucial for my existence and my passing. It's like the blood in my veins, floating through the entire me. Have I become my sadness, or just embraced it?

Sometimes it takes a lot to get there. To that point when smiling in sadness no longer hurts or feels forced. I guess everything falls into place eventually.