Y, what you say makes a lot of sense to me. I feel as though I sometimes get off track and you show me the possibilities of other ways of thinking and seeing things from different perspectives. This is indeed something that I need and want. But don't think I rely on it, I don't rely on much these days, but I do appreciate it a lot.
I think you're right, being ready for the shattering is not something that I can count on. At all, in fact. Just being aware of that it can and most likely will happen at some point, is enough for me right now. That's more than I could ever ask of, isn't it? Most people never know before it happens to them, if it happens at all.
Yes, prophecies can be really hard to interpret, and this one I've had I've struggled with since I was 15 years old, so I do admit it's likely I've misinterpreted it again. The only thing I can be sure of is that something grand will happen by next spring, that I know. Maybe I put too much of my own hopes and beliefs into it, wishing for my life to be over rather than re-started yet again. But I know that all I can really do is wait and see, whatever will happen will happen.
I do know that struggle of not being able to find the right words, especially when it's as hard to explain as something like this. I just don't think any human, spoken or written, language can really explain what any of us are going through and will go through in the future. But I do appreciate you trying to, and I try as well.
I think so too, that somehow our paths/prophecies are not so unalike. I think I could too, pull this through, I'm just not sure if I want to. I mean, some days I think I could, while others I don't. It's a bit 50-50 right now. I guess I'm having a stronger day right now, but that Friday/Saturday last week I did not. But believing in my prophecy as much as I do, I know I won't succeed any of my suicide attempts until the spring comes. I know it's a dangerous belief, and perhaps I should question that one specifically.
Somehow, it's like you're telling me what I already know, yet I need to hear it from you. I've always wondered if it's a blessing or a curse that I'm somehow still alive with all that I've been through. I know I'm done yet, that I have more shit to go through. I always find my rather obscure ways to deal, but sometimes I don't even have to. I know what awaits me will enlighten me more, but half the time I want to get to that point, see what it's all about, and the other half I just think screw that shit I'd rather die. So yeah, I do have some steps left to make. Simply put: I'm just done done yet. With life, love, or anything.
What I deem as my flaws seems to change from day to day, sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't. I think you've felt this too? That sometimes what you are, the entirety of you, is useful at least in some way and to some extent? I do believe that we carry what we perceive as flaws for a reason, though I'm not always sure of what that reason is. Just a thought.
No, I know. I cannot know for sure about my future and I've been trying to find ways to go around that prophecy for a long time now. Either, I'm just not ready to literally leap off a very high building cause of my fear of heights, or I'm just never feeling ready for it. It just feels like my overdoses can't kill anything except my liver (if I keep at it, over time) and my other methods have been even more futile. And I just know somewhere in my heart that all this time, I've been going about it the wrong way, but I don't know what the right way is, so I just keep at it, for some reason.
So yes, it could still mean I'm going to end my life on my own terms someday or another, but literally all I really can say for sure, is that something great awaits me by the time of spring, I just know that I will change somehow. I just don't know if I'll survive it or not. (Please tell me if I'm starting to get incoherent by now, I'm getting drunk and I've been writing this text and reading your words for probably around an hour. I might get a little entangled in my thoughts and feelings. But I just want to get all of this out of me and speak my mind while my mind is still working.)
Yes, it's quite possible you will end your own life one day too, I've had it somewhere in my mind too. Maybe not a top layer of my thoughts, but it's been at least in the background somewhere. I guess I've never really feared it though, and I don't want you taking that the wrong way, cause to me, suicide has never been a worse way of dying than any other. But I hope you know me well enough to understand, because I'm lacking words right now. Of course it's awful when people take their own lives, especially if it's someone I care about, but in the end, death is death, no matter how it gets to you.
I agree with you, that too much of any, rationality or belief, can be pure poison. Me being the only religious person in my family, I think I know what you mean. As my family members might just have a bit too much rationality and me relying a bit too much on my beliefs. I try to find a middle ground, but then I have other things to consider as well. My mind not working as intended, or what to say, is blocking rationality. Although I've heard many people say that I am in fact a very rational person when it comes down to it all. I don't know what to believe, honestly.
No, you're right, forcing anything never works. It's something I've known for a very long time, but I'm a persistent kind of person and a bit of a control freak, what can I say? I should say that yes I know and I'm working on it, perhaps. But then I don't, work on it, I mean. I still try to get the control I've never had, thinking it shouldn't be impossible if I just manage to summon enough willpower. But yeah, it always fails and I just can't seem to learn from that specific mistake. I just keep thinking that there's something I'm not doing entirely right.
And more truth be told: I feel as though I'm losing my grip on my eating disorder or it's losing its grip on me and I am terrified. I need its comfort, I just need it to be there, as it's my only relief these days and I do count on it way too much. I know addictions and such never quite stick with me for some reason, and yes I do fear that my ED will leave me with nothing. Perhaps it's an unwarranted fear that could also be a bit silly, but I just thought you should know. That I'm just desperately clinging to it with everything I've got and I'm scared of losing it. So my decision to stop eating entirely was probably because of that fear, but of course, I couldn't go through with it. Every other day I binged and purged, every other day I managed to fast until I just about yesterday thought, fuck this shit I'm going back to what actually worked instead. So there's that.
My perception of love sure is changing, and I'm glad you did notice that. I hope you're right, with all that you're saying. I think so too, that something similar is happening to us too. Me letting you love me, no limits, not anything. And I'm more and more allowing myself to feel again, whether it's regarding to us or anything. I did realise that my feelings can't harm me, no matter what. Although, I still can't always understand them. And I think somehow, that perhaps it would even be easier for you to know what I'm feeling than it is for me, when it comes to us. What I write to you, the fact that I can't let go of you even though I was the one to abandon you, it all says something I've been trying to understand but still at this point, can't. Maybe I do feel some kind of love in return, that I accept you as who you are, I'm pretty sure you've noticed it, perhaps even more so than I have myself. And I do hesitate to tell you this right now, as it might be way too early, but I just want you to know that yes, I do feel something, or I'm sure we would not have gotten this far.
I feel as though you're expressing what I feel as well, just that you have the words that I lack. That complete freedom and acceptance, it's something I've always striven for. But perhaps we're still different in our perception of romantic love, as I still can't let go of the idea that it is something truly missing in my life. I don't say that it would complete me or cure me, far from it, mainly just an experience that I need but never so far got. I can't really count my abusive relationship with R although it was the closest thing I got. Those first 3-4 months of that relationship. And it just pains me that that was the best I got, it just cannot be the best I'll ever get. Do you understand me? It feels as if it's a part missing in my eternal puzzle. It won't complete me or change me on a radical level, but it feels as if it's just an experience among many others that I do need. But I still don't know if it's something I'll ever get. I try to see as though, that if I can let it go completely, it could happen one day, but not as long as I keep striving for it, making it my number one priority, I need to let it go, but that's a lot easier said than done.
It could be a very human concept, although maybe I'm not the right person to ask. Being human is just something I was thrown into, don't expect me to understand it. Well, not quite yet, at least. I might someday. I know that I still put love into categories, at least romantic and non-romantic. But then my sort of asexuality (it's been on and off for quite some time now if not all my life) really should make me think about what really is the difference between romantic and non-romantic love.
Cause I do know that love is love no matter how you categorise it. It's just that, take some examples here: my best friend and I have loved each other deeply as friends for around 10-12 years now, that love never turned into a relationship other than friendship because none of us have ever wanted to, but then I love K and I really do want a relationship with him. I don't know if I love one of them more than the other. I do categorise those two, actually very different types of love, mainly because I don't know how not to. Then we could also take my love for my family as as example as well, cause that doesn't really fit into any of those categories either. I don't know, maybe I see more differences than there actually are.
Love confuses me and it always has. Don't think I can truly fully understand it, but me categorising it might just mean that I don't really understand it. I wish to be able to though, one day.
Your words make me smile, now and the first time I read them, I really do hope you'll be there when I do get torn. I think I'll need you to be.
I wonder about that too, it makes my sight clearer somehow, to wonder and not desperately try and dig it out, if that makes sense. Just look upon the world around me with curious eyes, to wonder what lies ahead of me without pushing for it. It is indeed a task for me, to not push for it, but I think I really do need to let go a little and just see what happens. I'm glad that you needed to hear that your path matters to me as well, as I'm not always sure of what goes unsaid and what doesn't. Always though, I'm figuring it's better to say too much than too little. Hence this rather long reply, I hope you manage to get through it all. Sincerely appreciating your thanks, it's more than I could ask of.
Never too far to reply and give some truth, guidance and reassurance back. Yours truly, John.
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