Exhausted mind

Listening to "Fade to black" by Metallica and can't reach my emotions. And all the songs are so over listened to, I can't stand anything else. I'm just so tired, in my whole being, body mind soul heart. And no coffee can wake me up today. And it's so boring to write the same things over and over again because nothing is happening.

I hit my face screaming to myself to wake up, gulping coffee like crazy and keep smoking my cigarettes. I have breathing difficulties in my smokey apartment, but I'm too cold to open a window. That coffee is disgusting me and doesn't agree with my stomach. Or it's my eating habits that don't agree with it, I don't know. It's a mess.

I haven't had any food today, and I don't plan to have any. I can't have more of this coffee, it grows in my mouth and makes me just want to throw up. I get angry at myself for being so fucking tired. Just wake up! How hard can it be? To just keep my eyes open? This boredom aggravates me as well, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Cause if I can't write, I can't do anything at all. There's nothing else left. And I hope it will be the last thing to leave me. I'm just so beyond frustrated today. Again. I didn't check my weight this morning, just don't fucking care about that stupid number. What difference would there be from yesterday anyway? None.

I don't know what to do about my weight. Just starve and starve until I collapse. I've got no other answers. I'm just so beyond frustrated with my horrible body. I can't do anything but hate it with all the little energy I've got. I feel like letting out a scream that will never ever end. But I'm trying to be considerate of my neighbours.

They hear me screaming for days at an end. Must be pretty fed up with me by now. Old memories attack me again. I don't know what to make of them. They're not good, they're not bad. But I feel nothing and sometimes it's nothing but frustration. Time isn't on my side. I feel stressed by it. I guess I'll go to bed early today, despite having slept so much already. I can't find any rest.

And Linkin Park sings "I tried so hard and got so far but in the end it doesn't even matter" and I feel them on that. I just feel so heavy, like lead in my veins. And I usually don't listen to neo metal but I really love that band. Everyone else seem to hate them, but to me, their music is just too fucking real. And just singing along in the chorus increased my heart rate so to the point I feel close to passing out. Perhaps I shouldn't do that then.

I can't sit still and I can't move. My heart rate makes me dizzy, or was I dizzy before then? Blood rushing away from my head, I'm just too tired to exist. I feel so very worn out, like there's nothing holding me together and I'm just dissolving. It's a negative day, I'm just under zero. I don't even care about eating for school anymore. I don't care if I crash. I'll fast for as long as I can.

Right, now I've been doing absolutely nothing but sitting and rocking myself while smoking and listening to music for over an hour. I'm just so exhausted, my mind can't even form decent thoughts. It's finally catching up with me, all this starvation, I think. I think my brain is just so malnourished that the chemistry is all fucked up. I've just abused my body just a bit too much for what it can cope with.

I can barely shuffle around in my apartment at this point, every step is so heavy and I feel constantly close to passing out. I guess purging three times yesterday didn't exactly improve my health. My body is screaming for food and I don't know for how long I can ignore it.

I can't sleep, I can't stay awake. Got up from the couch after trying to sleep, smelling pasta with meatballs or something and I rushed to the kitchen to make chicken salad. Don't know if I'll purge it or not. Likely though. It's been a month now and horrible October is soon over. Not that I think November will be that much better though. Likely just worse.

Yeah, I purged it, but didn't get everything up. Just don't have the energy, it drains me so much. All I can think about is that I haven't fed my body properly for a month and it's starting to go apeshit crazy on me. I'm not as tired right now but still as bored. Listening to Rabia Sorda and inspecting my cigarette while thoughts of the "Saw" movies flicker through my head. I really used to like them, but I'm not so much into that kind of gore anymore.

As far as horror movies go, I've never really been a fan of them. Just a few. Now "The orphan" is flickering through my head instead. I wish I could let go of all those movies, I don't want to see them ever again. They're just tormenting me. And I dream of winter not knowing if I'll survive it. My whole life has been like a horror movie. And my nightmares are even worse.

Sometimes I wonder where my head gets it all from, but then it's obvious to me. My traumas and phobias alone cause a chaos in my stressed out and starved mind. It's not so strange. Everything I never processed. My body can't cope, my mind can't cope. It all puts a whole lot of pressure on me. Suddenly my mind starts tormenting me with all the nasty things you could potentially do to yourself with a razor and I just wonder why.

Like if you pressed a razor hard enough to your skin and pulled? That kind of stuff. My mind is such a hopeless case today. And I allowed myself a protein shake that chills me to the bone. I always get so cold when I drink them, for some reason. Gonna take my Imovane soon, sleep the rest of the night away, hopefully. I was extra cold last night so I think I'm gonna add a blanket to the duvet in my bed.

Time for some blueberry muffin tea, I'm cursing at the cold. It tastes lovely. I'm listening to "Kall stjärna" (cold star) by Mauro Scocco and I think it somehow soothes me a bit. It's weird, but always when I listen to it I imagine a gorgeous woman in a bright red dress dancing alone in a spotlight. Maybe I imagine whoever it is that he sings about. It's so far from me, and sometimes I don't understand how I can stand listening to anything by him.

It might not be known everywhere, but I was originally named after one of his songs. I won't say which one, because I don't want just anyone reading this figuring out what my birth name was. I never really liked that song, but it's somehow attached to my inner core. I've always known that I disappointed my parents a whole lot when I changed my name, when I hated the name they gave me.

It wasn't just about being trans, I really hated that specific girl name. Ironically because I thought it was too common and too short. As if I didn't actually choose myself a name that is both common and short. Haha. No but really, why I actually hated it was because people, including my parents, said that I was my name. That it sort of owned me or I got that feeling, at least. So I wanted a name that was just a name, nothing more.

I am not my name. I never was my name, and ultimately, I don't feel bad for discarding my birth name completely. It still follows me, but not as much as before. I did change my name in 2009 so I've had the name John for quite some time now. I did however change my name twice, as I had the gender neutral name Joan for a few months before it became legal for me to get a boy's name. But I still wanted a gender neutral name as well, so I added Eli as a middle name. I've always been fond of middle names for some reason. Apparently Eli means ascension in Hebrew. That's pretty neat.

Just took my sleeping meds, just waiting for the effect now. And finally I can allow myself to listen to something calmer. Now I'm back to thinking of K, something he once told me that my tired mind is spinning off on. The sweet imaginary conversation makes me smile, but it's just another thing my mind creates for no reason.

I told my shrink I never want to ever let go of K, because I love him too damn much and also because I never want to fall for someone else and get heartbroken again. I said that it is a way for me to protect myself. She seemed to understand. But now I must get on with editing this, before my meds kick in.