Am I weak for wanting to wash the pain away? I wrote in a poem yesterday as it should have been my last. I took some pills on complete impulse and I count it as my 18th suicide attempt. Didn't go to a doctor/hospital today or anything, in fact I just woke up. And I'm not planning on getting checked out either. There were a few painkillers, one Imovane and a whole bunch of muscle relaxants. I could hear my heart beating out of rhythm and they got me dizzy, those pills, but that was basically it.
Somehow I knew it wasn't gonna work, but I hoped it would. Now I'll just let whatever toxins are still left within me do whatever damage they can. I'm still fasting, by the way, and first day is done. I didn't get my cravings, guess I kept my body busy. I won't tell anyone irl about my attempt and there's no evidence that there ever even was one.
I just keep going, as if nothing has happened. Another day put in history. I'm going back to my starvation instead hoping that will work better in the future. My heart is still a mess, and now it even hurts in the chest when it beats harder. I'm just numb and extremely tired today. Keep drinking my coffee and hope I wake up soon.
And I'm still alive and I hate it so much. My heart races again and I just want to scream to it to just calm the fuck down. But what good would it do? And now I'm all out of pills so can't do it again. Now I only have my starvation and nothing else. I can't appreciate life anymore, I can't appreciate anything about it. Now my chest hurts more, and my empty stomach too. And somewhere in between there. I don't have anything to say cause my mind is practically empty.
Distress, despair and failure. That's what I feel. Like I really can't do this suicide thing right no matter how fucking hard I try. I guess you're glad about that, but I'm so fucking tired of it! Screw reason! Screw life, screw every fucking thing! I'm so sick of it all! I don't want to take another breath. But that's all I ever do, fucking breathe.
I'm so mad at myself for not succeeding and because I can't even try again. I have nothing. I won't try to cut myself, won't try to hang myself, won't try electricity cause the voltage isn't high enough in my house. The others because of reasons I'm too tired to list right now. I'm furious, but it doesn't show. And I'm calm too. No idea how this overdose actually affected my body, and don't care about finding out either.
What does this mean, did I take a step back? Was I weak for what I did? I read your message "Endure" about two hours after I had finished taking my overdose. Was it too late? I wondered. So now being back here, I don't know what to say to you, Y. Maybe I'll think of a more sufficient answer later tonight, when I'm less panic and hopelessness, when I've straightened myself out a bit.
Right now I can't endure anything. I know last night's insight was too much for me to handle. I reached another breaking point and snapped. Perhaps this attempt was what I needed, but I don't know my reasoning behind that yet though. Still I want to sleep forever, still I want my life to be over. It didn't fix anything, I'm still as broken.
Secretly destroy my heart, I feel it breaking yet again. But I'm so used to it by now, it's just the shatter re-positioning. Cutting me open once again. I breathe deeply and sigh. There is no why. It's just the way I am. Sharp like knives, my love to you gives. And I like her post only cause you're not alone, the two of you really have each other and that's beautiful. Am I strong for not breaking to pieces anymore? Or has the last remaining pieces of my heart stopped working? I don't react the same way anymore.
I can't find the right temperature, either too warm or too cold and there is no in between. I'm dizzy again. Maybe it was the picture causing a storm in my head, but I should be used by seeing those two kissing by now. But I cannot seem to ever be, rips me apart every time. And I was so fucking close to sending out a short suicide note here on my blog this night, but realised just about last minute that I couldn't. Lucky for me that I couldn't.
So, in a sense 2015 really sucked balls, I did 3 suicide attempts, got my heart broken again, recovered from my eating disorder and relapsed. Not saying everything about this year sucked, but it's definitely been one of my worst years. Now I really know I'm not afraid to die, and suicide is still something I reach for in true desperation.
What is it with me and these odd years? 2005, 2007, 2011, 2013 and 2015. The only year it skipped was 2009. Is that also a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts? I'm too tired to think, but I guess it kinda could be. I don't believe in anything anymore, I guess all of my beliefs are shattered by now. I'm lost in an infinity I cannot possibly grasp.
Without beliefs, I have no guidance, nothing to hold on to. What will happen to me after I die, whenever that will be? I have no idea. Was Dala even real? I don't know. Everything is up-side-down, twisted to impossibility of recognition. What is even left of me, but tiredness and hopelessness?
How can I go on, when I don't want to anymore? The metallic taste of Imovane still lingers, I can't smoke it away. I can't smoke anything away, yet I cannot stop. It's forcing me to keep going no matter what but all I feel like is lying down and letting the earth consume me. When I had just taken my overdose, I didn't feel much at all, only as if I was fading away. It was the sweetest thing ever. Now I find sadness in everything.
Nothing feels worth it, nothing is worth staying for. Life: I fucking hate you and I wish I could leave you forever behind. What do you even want from me? No, forget it, I don't care. No more insights, no more awakening, I just want to die now. I don't care about anything anymore, I've lost everything.
The poem I wrote:
At the brink
Am I weak for wanting to wash the pain away
for whispering to your picture that I can't stay
my hands are cold, as if inside me there's snow
but I swear I was warm not ten minutes ago
My heart in shatter I can't go on
living without you I'd rather die alone
take my breath and take my thunder
I've been drowning but now I'm going under
Am I strong for still smiling
when everything inside me is defiling
emptiness and love my only greed
I'll never have what I truly need
Too broken for a decent or normal life
knowing I'll lose my final strife
this might take a toll on my heart
but I finally knew where to start
Counting up to number eighteen
you're the light behind my computer screen
trapped between life and death
unprepared I might take my last breath
Chains of smoke, riddles of the night
awaiting what might be my final flight
for an hour I've been counting pills
now I see what my love actually kills
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