Changed by emptiness

I feel so empty now, I can't stand feeling full from food. It just empties me emotionally and I become an emotional crisis. My stomach is still rumbling, as if I'm both full and hungry at the same time. My body's greed is greater than what it can hold.

And some songs become my after purging songs as they soothe and cradle me. Cigarette smoke and stomach acid is probably not a good combination for my throat right now. Black water will drown me. Perhaps not today, but eventually. But I know that entire playlists can't soothe. The music will drown too.

Sadness is creeping too close, I want to be closer. And I'm the only one who's religious in my family, always have been. My parents are atheists and I think my sister is agnostic. My thoughts suddenly run so strangely, it's as if I changed somehow but I don't know what into if I have. I'm half awake, half asleep, drifting yet clear. I just don't know what I'm clear about. Perception of heart.

My thoughts spin madly, I can't collect them. I'm trying to become cigarette smoke. It would be easier to evaporate then. Just wrote another poem trying to fixate this emotional state and make something out of it. My true emotions leak out through the cracks I can't hold myself together. Not reaching out, reaching in. Grab something random and throw it away. But I know it's going to stay.

I ate all the pasta. It must have been close to a kilo. And 2 portion bags of chantarelle sauce. That's like 4 portions or something altogether. I ate for a whole fucking family. In one night. Gotta be careful so I don't catch bulimia, wouldn't want that. Gotta do something about these binges. Practice more self control. Don't have food in the apartment. Don't give in, don't fucking give in. I managed 6 days without food, I could easily manage 4, what the fuck.

I'm just so tired of my damn cravings. If they were a part of my brain I would cut them out. So yeah, I barely got any hunger, but to what fucking price? I'd rather have hunger, for fucks sake, at least that I could suppress. I just hate myself and hate my body and all that is me every single time I give in for food and eat. Time to get grossed out again. So tired of this. Fucking turning myself inside-out.

Some days I love it and think of it as the most practical and useful thing ever, but then other days it's just gross and a waste of food and why can't I fucking control myself around food in the first place? Today it's the latter. I just wanted to fast, that's all. Now I'm dreading the scale tomorrow morning. I don't even know how many calories I've consumed in that one and a half hour or so. Maybe 2000? I don't know. I never count what I intend to purge.

Next time I get cravings I'll just drown it in coffee and more coffee until I fucking am coffee. And I find myself sighing at this day, without intending to or even thinking about it. I just want to bury November 2nd forever and ever in my past. What a failure at my own disease, I can't do anything right.

I wish that my eating disorder was stronger than my body. All I want is to be thin and binging like this is not the fucking way to get there. If only I could make my stupid body understand. I don't ever want to feed it, it's taking my control right out of my hands.