Forced to live

How can I awaken if I can't even allow myself to cry? If I'm still living on pathetic lies cause I'm too damaged to tolerate this reality? Still wishing I could turn back time and change just about everything. Or to just re-live old memories. Because anything that's been was somehow better than how things are now. Now I'm not even living, I wouldn't even call this surviving, I'm just drifting around completely aimlessly. I don't want to live, but I can't die. So I'm basically just hanging here waiting for my ticket home.

I doubt so much, almost everything. I have no beliefs strong enough to comfort me at night, not even my own chosen religion. Cause my Satan is most likely just a hallucination and I can't trust my own mind. I feel as though I'm constantly on the verge of psychosis, but also as though I'm already in one. I doubt the realness of reality and when you doubt everything around you, you tend to rely on what's inside you instead. Maybe that's why I take my feelings for truth, the only thing I know is actually real.

I think for most people it's the complete opposite. Example, another may consider a table more real than anxiety, but I think the other way around. I don't trust tables to be real but I do trust that my anxiety is. Because my reality always keep changing and my perception of reality is a downright mystery. It's like it's all slightly hidden behind a vague shimmer, dulled or intensified depending on how I feel. Therefore my feelings alter my reality. So which am I really supposed to trust?

It's just confusing the hell out of me but all I know is this: I need something to hold on to, something or anything at all to call real whether it really is or is not. And right now the only reality I know is my heart breaking. It has become my entire world, the only thing firm enough to believe in, from where I stand.

A classmate of mine tried to talk me into quit smoking a few days ago, and I literally told her that I didn't care about my health and she just kept nagging about how I would feel differently when I'm 40. Won't live to 40 and even if I would, I have no regrets. I was so mad at her. I get mad at everyone who tries to tell me to quit smoking. Want to take away the only thing I have, huh?

Most people just don't understand how much I really don't want to live here. And I can't tell them, can't make them understand. They'd just give me sympathy and feel sorry for me. I can't handle that crap. There's so much I can't handle these days and I just want to stay away from all of it. Don't want to learn how to deal with the world, it disgusts me. And I don't even know why I still linger here against my will. I'm so sick of it all and it literally feels like I'm being kept alive against my will.

And I cough and I smoke, smoke and cough some more. Wheezing more than I'm actually breathing. Can the smoke alone kill me if I just keep at it? I'm turning everything into possible suicide methods, so fucking desperate to find a simple, painless solution that won't hurt me badly if I fail. Or maybe not painless, I don't mind pain. I'm grasping at straws for my final release, I try so hard but can't find inner peace.

I'm getting dizzy, it's not enough oxygen in here. Hopefully I can at least pass out from it. And I don't even think I want the vodka I have left in my cabinet, I don't really have anything to mix it with either. Just sugar free lemonade that tasted weird cause of that damn stevia. Hate the after taste of that. Every drag a little bit more painful now. It burns and feels thick in my throat, not much slips through. I think I could be a bit swollen or something. I have to force down the smoke and it makes me dizzier.

I was out of vodka anyway. Guess I'll buy more tomorrow. I don't think this sadness will ever end. It will likely follow me to my last breath. No music can soothe me, I can't find the right song.

So, just came back from a few hours of restless and exhausting sleep. Half frightened, half just tired of it I went back up from bed at 5:18. I don't know if they were really nightmares, but just uncomfortable and too intense dreams. If I rip my skin off will it stop fucking itching everywhere? Just a random question, feel free to ignore it.

And I've gotten tired of calculating calories and I haven't weighed myself in weeks. I'm losing my grip on my eating disorder, half of me is despondent and the other half is devastated. Cause nothing ever fucking stays. I've starved harder than ever, lost more weight in the shortest time ever, counted calories more precisely, I've done fucking everything but not even my stupid ED wants to stay in my fucked up brain. Did I frighten it away? I cling to it, desperately wanting it to stay, but I don't know how.

Listening to Love Like Blood cause it was forever ago last time. The coffee turns in my stomach. I've been slacking with my morning medication almost every day for a week now. I just don't care about that either. My mother is gonna have questions about that later on. Whatever. The crew is still on me, I'd still rather die than to have them here. And I'll go buy more vodka as soon as it stops raining, sometime after they open. Don't know what to do about school, but will probably skip it.

I can't have more of that coffee, it doesn't sit right with me. I feel like a fucking zombie, I can never get any real rest these days. Shifting music again, I can not make up my mind at all. Soon I've heard every single song on Spotify and still not be satisfied. As if I ever could be. I remember back to my last school in Uppsala, fall 2010. Not much of it though, just glimpses.

Mostly I just remember T and how I followed him around everywhere. My crush at that time. I remember half joking with a friend of mine that I was his Stan (stalker fan, reference from Eminem) because I did kinda stalk him, but not really to a creepy or privacy invading level.

My brain is so not functioning properly right now, but I still feel the same. Still pissed about feeling like I'm being forced to live, still not knowing when everything will fall apart. The feeling remains but the thoughts do not. Now my head is mainly echoing empty and I'm just tired and bored.