No need to fear

Anna says: just let it eat you alive, you need it like poison.

And I know she's right. I shouldn't flee from my sleep, it goes against what I believe in. But what doesn't these days? I'll have to think about that, but I should try to stay awake today at least, just during the day. I'm just so sick of those dreams, of waking up like that. In panic, terror, paranoia, fear and anxiety. All the nasty things you can possibly feel multiplied by a number I can't even guess my way to. It's worse than the cravings, and that is saying a lot.

And maybe I just want to see what happens. If I really do fall apart faster this way, but would it even be worth it? I'm sensing there's a war in my head and it will kill me faster than my eating disorder ever could.

Okay, fuck it I just slept on the couch. Dreamed about Dala and how to get there. And then I dreamed about tattoos. It was alright, even good. Why fear sleep? I know I can't really fear that. Not really. I get too sides of sleep these days. On one side I'm dreaming horrible things and can barely wake up from the dreams and fear sleep, and on the other side it's the best and sweetest thing ever.

I'm very conflicted and I'm not sure what's going on. Maybe I will develop another wave of hypnophobia, but not today. It is breaking me, but yet I haven't completely fallen apart. Still I'll try to get my much needed rest from it all.