Lashing out

I'm still on 56,3 kg and I hate myself. My night was horrible, I woke up in panic with extreme paranoia from nightmare after nightmare. I dreamed about my eating disorder and sometimes food too. Every time I woke up I was certain that there was someone in my apartment, but I was too scared to check. I moved around a lot in my bed as I tried to escape the nightmare, yet, when the crew finally came to wake me up, I got up and weighed myself and then got back into bed where I continued to dream.

I'm tired in my mind and soul. All I wanted was weight loss and I don't care about anything else, but I can't even have that. At the ED forum they all seem to say it was the hardest weight for them to get to, underweight. It's been 4 weeks now and somehow I'm stuck on disgusting 56,3 kg. And is it stupid, that I just think "I don't want to live like this" as soon as I don't lose weight anymore?

Because I'm trying so damn hard and get zero progress. It feels like I'm climbing a mountain but the mountain just got higher for no reason. Am I dying for no reason? It all just suddenly feels so hopeless.

I still get bursts of anger, I'm still misery and despair, rocking myself while complaining over my cigarettes tasting nasty this very moment. Sometimes they just do for no apparent reason. The coffee turns inside of me. It's past 10 o'clock pm and yes I just had coffee. Had to still my way too early cravings somehow.

Everything irritates me, everything's very presence irritates me. But I can't hold my anger for more than a few seconds before it changes into other emotions. I'm jumpy, jaded, irritated and sad simultaneously. It's a horrible way to be. It's like I'm trying too damn hard to be what I can't. And I don't know how to stop. This day is just backwards and inside-out.

I'm a contradiction today, or well, more than usually. I'm jittery yet tired, giving up one second yet stating I'll never give up the next, I'm bored yet full of thoughts keeping me busy. It's exhausting and very confusing. I feel like a land creature that can only breathe under water. Somehow, everything feels wrong and I disconnect.

Sometimes I'm not even aware that I do. If it's some kind of self defense mechanism maybe. But what do I need to defend myself from when I'm just sitting here behind my computer? My own damn head, my own damn thoughts and feelings. I lose sensation in my left knee sitting like this, in this position, yet I don't move or change position. Not until it gets unbearably uncomfortable.

I want to disappear from all of this, my horrible body, my horrible mind. It's only my soul that I like, cause it's the only thing that isn't messed up. It just simply is what it is. And I'm literally staring at 11 different pictures of K at the same time yet I feel so terribly lonely. I wish to crawl into a corner somewhere and stay there until I fade away.

And that latest poem of mine became just too real. So fucking close to my heart. I know that when my own writing makes me tremble and nearly cry, I know I've succeeded with the words. I'm trying to find the saddest most heartbreaking songs, just tear me up and break the walls around me. I need to shatter completely to be able to be free, but I know music can't take me quite that far, no matter how sad it is.

I'm stuck in a limbo of feelings, stuck not being able to commit to them fully. Why do I wish more despair on myself? Am I such a martyr? Is that even the right word? I don't know what would be the right word. My head feels so warm I'm nearly sweating, but my legs and feet are so cold I can barely feel them. It's a strange sensation. Maybe I should be up-side-down instead.

But I fight fire with fire, or rather suffering with more suffering. I know it doesn't make it better, but that's not even what I'm trying to achieve. I don't know what I'm trying to achieve, honestly, I confuse myself a lot. I guess I just like my suffering, as I do feel safe within it. My feelings alone make me so tired. It feels like I've gotten stuck in a thought warp, endlessly spinning in my head.

And somehow I wish that when the darkness has completely consumed me, I'll become ethereal, transparent and elusive. Not much of a person, more like something abstract. I recreate myself every passing day, sometimes more successfully that others, but who's there to judge?

Another eat/purge session, my fast isn't going so well, maybe I should just give it up and try again some other time. But I have nothing more to eat at home now, except from oatmeal porridge and some soup. I looked in the mirror and I think I look livid, like a ghost, very pale. And I don't just mean a fair complexion, but actually I kinda look like death. I kinda like it though, never really striven for that rosy and healthy look. It suits my face, looking pale.

It's gonna kill me if I continue like this. Fast, eat, purge and let no food ever stay in me. Maybe someday I'll realise that I'm mortal, but not today. I need an actual sign, something definite, like a flash of lightning from this sky that appears so clear. Maybe that is passing out, maybe it's discovering I've actually fucked up my heart, or low potassium or I don't even know half of it.

I'm in such a bad place right now I can hardly even be polite to other people on the ED forum in my own damn thread. They're going on about how dangerous diuretics can be even though I've now stated fucking three times in that very thread that I don't even have access to diuretics. Pisses me off, can't they read?

Bloody Americans have access to everything, it's so typical. And they said things like "I don't know where you live but..." yeah cause it's not like it says where I live right under my profile picture?! Gah, I should probably take a break from that forum for a while or something so I don't accidentally, verbally cut off someone's head there...

I'm just so frustrated with my body and fucked up mind that I can't even control myself around other people who are just trying to help. I'm not really known for lashing out on people like that. It makes me wonder how fucked up I've really become.