I still can't let go of yesterday although it's Tuesday now. My weight didn't fucking change at all and I'm pissed at myself for eating this night. I only got down to 58,2 kg. So not good enough. And still need to eat food that needs to stay within me today. Or I'll fuck up school, or rather my ED will fuck up school. It's going to sooner or later and I have this odd sensation that soon I won't be able to keep any food down at all. I'll end up in a vicious circle of fasting, eating tiny bits of food, purging and fasting again.
I'm so close to that already now, but I need to eat for just these 3 days ahead of me at least. Just Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Then I can do my fucked up fasts again. I am looking forward to finally after 4 long days, having myself a nice breakfast that should give me some energy for today. I've decided for 2 eggs and some mushrooms, just throw everything into a frying pan. But first I'm gonna finish this coffee and hope the dizziness goes away.
I'm thinking I'm low on electrolytes or something because of all the purging and lack of water drinking. I couldn't care less though, but it's hard to get anything done with this dizziness. It's just 7:37 so still got lots of time though. Damn I'm such a mess, can't even fast right anymore. Not one day this past week I went entirely without food, always ended up gorging on something late at night that I then purged. I only lost 1,4 kg this past week. So not good enough and I know I can do better. Gotta make up for it and lose 2,5 kg next week, if at all possible.
It's almost (tomorrow) been 3 weeks now and I've just lost barely 5 kg. "Just" as if it was little or something. I have never in my life before lost weight so rapidly before. Not at this low weight at least, as my mind is now trying to trick me cause for the love of god didn't I use to lose 5 kg in 2 weeks before I got my eating disorder?! Shame on you brain, for trying to trick me. 5 kg in 3 weeks is nothing, I need to get a fucking grip on myself.
But I'm past my set point and I know any weight below that is extremely hard for me to lose. I am doing a good job getting these kilos off of me. I'm doing the only thing that I know is working. Last autumn I was only able to fast 1-2 days a week so I only lost about 1 kg a week. I also binged one day a week. This time I'm fasting (or trying to) 3-4 days a week, no binges, and can therefore lose up to 2,5 kg a week. That's a massive increase.
Yeah, I'm conflicted. On one hand I feel great for what I'm achieving and on the other I'm thinking I'm doing a lousy job. I've realised I must be so incredibly damaged by my eating disorder now, so far gone into it. That I'm fasting 3-4 days a week and only eat up to 500 calories the remaining days. That I believe I can only lose weight if I fast and will gain or maintain on any food that I eat no matter how little. Cause it seems to actually be that way but then the rational part of me thinks that's bullshit or at least that is sounds incredibly weird.
Anorexics on the ED forum seem much more sane than me. They who believe you can still lose weight on 1200 calories a day, they who never fast and still lose weight, they who eat twice as much as me but are the real anorexics, they who's starved minds have not withered entirely yet. I know I'm on the extreme side, I always have been no matter what it's about. But how can my mind have withered so much? I've only had my eating disorder for a year, how can I...?
By the time I get to my ugw who knows what will be left of my shrunken brain. If I'll be so far gone into my ED that literally no one can save me. Oh fuck that breakfast was not easy to get down. It took me 9 minutes so press down 2 eggs and a little bit of mushrooms. Maybe I should go around and say that I'm atypical anorexic instead of ednos so maybe people would understand it better? That's basically the diagnose I did get, just that it's only labelled as uns here in Sweden.
Isn't it weird that I got an "unspecified" eating disorder when to me it's so fucking specific just not fitting into the small frame of either anorexia or bulimia? Like I think atypical anorexia with purging tendencies is pretty fucking specific. Ugh, I feel so gross and fat after that breakfast. Hope it lands soon. It feels like my stomach is suddenly twice its normal size. And I should bring lunch to school to avoid suspicion but I just don't fucking care.
I'll have some coffee for lunch and that's it. Maybe take a walk to burn some more calories. Should remember to brush my teeth too cause don't want to possibly smell of vomit during class. Don't know if I do, but I did purge just a few hours ago. The only thing I don't do to ruin my health further is brushing my teeth right after a purge, cause losing my teeth would just be inconvenient and bring me no closer to death at all. So, totally unnecessary.
Anyway, need to be off to school in 10 minutes so better get on with editing this shit.
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