Not afraid to die

I went home and had my salad there, couldn't stay any longer at school because I feel like shit from this night, haven't slept and I'm starving myself mad. My throat still hurts and it especially hurts to swallow. Smoking is alright though, for some reason. Is my eating disorder ruining school? I can't function properly without food. I space out, can't keep my focus for more than 3 seconds, miss what people say and hardly know what I'm saying myself.

I try to go full days, but I think I'm falling now. And it's a downward slope from here on. Somehow I need to stick to under 300 calories for today and I'm already up at 180. That's one meal and a cup of coffee. I've almost completely stopped playing WoW again, and drawing too. Now I just sit by my computer and write, listen to music and hang out online. On tumblr and the ED forum. So not so much youtube anymore.

My life has become null. Nothing is fun anymore. Just passing time, I'm just passing time as I let my thoughts ravage my every essence. I am becoming my thoughts, it's like they're the only real me. As my emotions/feelings faded, the thoughts took the upper hand. Mostly I just feel empty, but sometimes sad or despondent too. My emptiness slams and echoes within me, like a vacuum between steel walls.

Does anything mean anything to me anymore, except my eating disorder? Somehow I doubt it. K does, but it's like I'm kinda putting him aside, let him be just my friend even though my heart aches for more. And this sore throat is a constant fucking reminder. I just can't deal with reality right now.

Argh, trying to sleep on the couch with a million flies swarming around you... not fun. I was gonna count the calories of my walk with school today but left the counter on by mistake so when I just looked at my wrist watch it had passed over 6 hours... Also, apparently I slept for 5 hours on the couch. Think I needed it. Now I'm having a snack that to me just screams eating disorder: cup of coffee with fake sugar in it and a bowl of a few baby carrots coated in salad dressing. And... I couldn't finish it. A baby would eat more than I do. Except when I'm binging of course.

This diet really is absurd, isn't it? Or just plain weird. But I really do hope I can stick with it from now on or at least not fuck up way too many times on the way, and that I'll lose those 5-7 kg on it. So that I'm back down to 55 kg again, by the end of it. If I somehow miraculously reach that first goal weight before then I do plan to stop the diet and then just maintain until after New Years. Don't know what my maintaining intake should be though, but probably somewhere around 1000 cals a day.

Mostly cause I don't want my stomach to get too big again or not too fast at least. I'm thinking of eating normal over the Christmas holiday, pretending that I'm fine for my family. It's possible that I'll gain if I do that, so have to be careful so that this autumn's weight loss won't be a waste of effort. Cause then I'm going back to restricting and fasting and all that shit after the holidays are over and I'm back at my own place again, then going all in hardcore to lose as much weight as fast as possible until I reach my ultimate goal weight of 44 kg.

I think I'm doing better this time around, with more control and using my purging ability more efficiently. I'll only use it when I've binged, and I might have to add that those usually aren't real, technical binges, but somewhere in between a standard/normal meal and an actual binge. But what I do is still the same: I lose control over myself and my food intake and I panic. Even if it's a planned binge. And I just say "binge" cause it's easier to understand it that way, or at least I think it is for me, than having to explain it every single time.

With that said, I hope only extreme emotions and inner chaos will cause these binges and not too often. About once a week would be the absolute most that I would be able to handle. Besides, gotta let my poor throat rest for at least a week now before I can purge again. Yeah, I did my homework and read up on how dangerous puking blood really is and I found that advice from a former bulimic. It wasn't much blood at all so I'm going to take my chances and not go to a doctor about it. Besides, I don't want my mother to know and I don't think I can hide a visit to the doctor.

So, I'll just keep it to myself and hope it won't happen next time as well. Cause if it does, I might start getting worried. I know, it could potentially be life threatening and my pure guesses is that the more of it and the more often it happens, the more dangerous it is. I'll try to be more careful in the future, don't purge so hard, not literally force it out of me as fast as possible.

Cause somehow I don't think I want my ED to kill me just quite yet. I'm not thin yet! Still have at the very least 11-12 kg to lose if I want to get to my goal weight of 49 kg, which is only a goal because it would be okay if I can't get down to 44. I have to have back ups if I can't survive. Gotta be able to say "okay I won't reach my ugw but this is okay too" if it has to come to that.

But of course, if purging is what will be the end of me, I won't have to worry about my family noticing. They wouldn't see it on my weight or anything. But I'd be fucking miserable if I have to die while I'm on this horrible weight. I don't think death scares me anymore. I've finally come to terms with it. Finally understood that there's no need to be scared, whatever happens will happen no matter what.

Am I scaring you? I'm sorry in that case, it's not what's my intention. I only want to share my thoughts, my progress and my downfall. Cause it's what's left of me and I don't want to hide that on my blog. And the thing that just struck me is that perhaps my purging is suddenly far more dangerous than it ever was last winter, yet I was so scared then but I'm not scared at all now.

I'm calm, rational, not feeling much at all at the moment and since that last purge. And I know I'm only trying to be careful from now on because I can't die just yet. Not nearly done reaching my goal. I've only just started, again. No I don't want to live and that's probably why I can't feel anything about this, but I know that I still have work to do before my time is up.

I'll continue to keep my relapse a secret, until I just can't anymore. I told K, so it's not a 100% secret anymore, but yeah. Secondly, I will probably tell my school class. I'll definitely let my family and the psychiatry know last, if ever again. They're gonna find out sooner or later, but please let that be later then.

I just don't want them worried, I don't want them stopping me. Nothing can stop me now, and somehow that reminds me of the movie "For the love of Nancy" about her being anorexic and refusing treatment, until her father gets a court order. Oh, poor Nancy, will I end up like her? It's based on a true story as well, which makes it even sadder. I just love that movie, but I can't watch anything in this state.

I always start movies but then give up after just a few minutes. It just starts crawling under my skin and I just can't. I don't even know why. Tv-show episodes sometimes work though, but only once in a while. I can't do much of anything these days. Just write and hang online and listen to music. That's literally all I do on my free time. At school it's not like I can do that much either, but I try. As I said before, I can't focus barely at all, I'm too tired and my starved mind is slowly rotting away.

I realised that I don't really care about what I'm wearing anymore, as long as it's black and hides my fat. I just want get thin enough so that I can care about what I'm wearing again. I want to wear tight skinny jeans without my belly fat hanging over, I want to wear tight shirts without looking pregnant. This weight really doesn't suit me. I just feel so fucking fat and disgusting which I probably shouldn't with a BMI of 21. My body is so weird, it collects fat on my stomach and thighs but literally nowhere else. The worst two places! I just... I just can't stand it.

I can't stand looking at it and I feel like vomiting when I touch it. My self image is so poor right now and has been for at least a year now. It just has to change, it just has to.