No productivity today. The most productive I've done so far was taking a 3 minutes walk around in my apartment cause I've been scared of collapsing if I walk around outdoors. Passing out kilometres from home in the middle of the night just seems like a generally bad idea, I mean. Don't know if I would, but don't feel like taking the risk. Almost 48 hours on my fast now and I'm still doing okay. I count it from 3:00 am Friday night/Saturday morning if I'm thinking correctly. I know it's 45 hours right now at least, that much I know.
I'm so nervous about what the scale will show me tomorrow morning... that I've gained or never actually weighed 55,2 kg that it was all just a scam. But I'd be more than thrilled if it shows a number even lower. Hah, I was *this* close to telling my mother on the phone about today's weight loss, I've been so excited I can hardly contain myself. But I managed to keep it to myself and not cause a scene.
We mostly talked about the weather, laundry and that time goes backwards an hour tonight. I did however mention that I felt awful this morning and then threw in a joke about me sabotaging my circadian rhythm again. I'm dropping hints, but carefully so. Cause I do want her to notice that something is wrong with me, but not too soon. I don't want it hanging over me, you know. All those questions about what and if I've eaten, all those comments on how I should like not continue to lose weight.
I still remember the fear in my mother's eyes when she saw me at 53 kg last fall/winter and she thought I was way to thin already at that weight. I had not expected such a reaction from her at all, it startled me and I lied and said I weighed 58 kg when she asked me. This time I won't lie though, and I might even tell her that I did lie that time. I have a feeling she knew that it was a lie, but she never pushed me or anything. But damn I remember that panic in her eyes when she saw me...
It almost got me to stop restricting then, I felt so horrible for hurting her. I don't know if I'm just more selfish now than I was back then, or what. Cause now it's like, sorry mom but I've gotta do this. My own damn goals are more important than who I might hurt on the way. At least I can admit that, but yeah, I am expecting one hell of a circus by the time of Christmas. Cause if me weighing 53 kg, right on the border to underweight, was a shock, then me weighing 44 kg or less is gonna hurt my family and that probably tremendously.
My parents are gonna see their first born just wasting away until there's nothing left of me. I can't even imagine how much that is gonna hurt them. Right now they're happily unaware of the disaster that is my life, but that's really not gonna last forever. And an awful part of me wishes that I wouldn't have to see them again, that I could just stay in my apartment forever so that they wouldn't have to see me being that thin and living on next to nothing.
I want to protect them from me, from the awful truth that is my constant reality. I don't want them worried cause it would hurt them and that would in return hurt me. I don't know who's hurting is more painful for me to think about. They're gonna try everything to get me into recovery and how the hell do I prepare myself for that?!
I wish they could leave me alone to die but I know they're never ever going to because they just love me too damn much. I don't know how my sister would take it though, but I'm pretty sure I would scare her too. Last Christmas she wanted to fatten me up which scared the shit out of me, so I know she cares too. And me becoming thinner than she's ever been probably is gonna scare her more this time. I don't know how my father would react but my guesses are that he's gonna get angry one way or another. He, much like me, often covers fear with anger too.
I'm trying to prepare myself for a whole spectrum of emotions that could rise and boil over when
I enter that house a couple of days or so before Christmas Eve. I'm trying to prepare for the worst thing that could possibly happen, but my mind just can't take me that far. If they'll get mad at me, start crying, try to force feed me, just drive me to the hospital instead or what not. Trying to prepare for a storm you've never been in before is not that easy. It's among the hardest things I could do.
But when that day comes, and if I've been talking to my mother first, I'll just have to hold my breath as I walk in through their front door and hope I don't pass out. I'll just have to take it as it comes and try my best to cope with it, one breath at a time. I think my uncle may be there in the mix as well, and I don't even know if he knows that I have an eating disorder. It would be obvious by then though, my parents wouldn't be able to just say that I've "lost a little bit of weight". I don't want to hide from him either though, I like him, almost a bit too much.
Always had that in the back of my head for a couple of years now, how I see him. Yeah, I do like my mother's brother a bit too much compared to what is considered normal. I'm not in love with him, but yeah, my knees tend to get a little weak whenever he's around. I'm less than half his age and he's a close relative of mine so wouldn't go down that path, but it has been and is spinning around in my fucked up mind.
I let it just be in my thoughts, how incredibly handsome I find him and all the nasty things I would like to do with him, but never act on it, never even hint or let out as much as a whisper. Just be friendly but keep it that way, I've got this weird infatuation under control. Don't really know what to call it, it's not even a crush, it's like... I'm just oddly and inappropriately attracted to him.
Anyhow, where was I? Got off track there a little bit, but I think it's safe for me to let you know about that, since I've been so good at not acting on my strange thoughts or feelings or whatever it is. I can't promise though, that if he would ever... then I might, but only if he would be the one taking the first step. And that would also be a secret I'd take with me to the fucking grave and beyond. But as of now, nothing has happened between us and it's all just in my head. And there's nothing illegal about my thoughts, as long as they're just thoughts.
Side tracked. But maybe I'd just rather think about my uncle than about spoiling Christmas with my eating disorder. Just letting those thoughts spin around in my head, around and around until I'm all dizzy in a good way. Sometimes I try to shove away those thoughts, desecrate them, make them go away for good. But they won't leave no matter what I do, and why should I? They're perfectly harmless.
Yeah, those thoughts never really harmed me. They've confused me, fucked me up and shaken me around though. We were never that close when I grew up, just saw him a few times, so I didn't really know him as a kid. It's just lately, basically from just a few years ago, that he has been in my life. Maybe that could be a reason for me developing those thoughts. Me wanting a stronger connection with a relative (other than my family members) that is actually a decent person, compared to the rest of the pack. It's a theory, at least.
I've gotta leave these thoughts for now, they're stirring up a chaos. I don't think I've mentioned that before, but I could be mistaken. I've written sooo much crap on this blog other the years (it's literally over thousand entries) so it wouldn't surprise me if I actually have mentioned these thoughts about my uncle here before. They're driving me half mad sometimes. And other times they're more like a comfort. Gotta stop thinking about it, just fucking gotta.
Alright, gonna go to bed soon, just took Imovane so gotta be quick to edit this now. Also I'm feeling the cravings starting to sneak up on me again so gotta go to bed before I empty my fridge, freezer and all the cabinets. Preaching self control here, and it's just getting harder...
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