Once again I'm worried about K. I can't say why but I'm guessing you could guess your way to it, as I write this. I just want for him to hold on, but I don't even know what for. Being a suicidal mess myself, it's hard for me to give anyone reasons to stay. I'd feel like such a hypocrite, you know? And I wonder how he's been lately but my guesses are, not so good. I just wish I could be there to comfort, or agree that the world is an awful place at least.
I know I might not be the best kind of comfort to seek even, as I often tend to think bad ideas are good and good ideas are pointless. After all, I've been living a whole life thinking that way. How could I ever convince him to stay when I can't even convince myself of the same thing? And all I can think is what happens will happen no matter what. And I wonder who of us will stay the longest. We're practically the same age, but is it a competition? Hardly. I don't think life should be forced, and neither should death.
But it's just... it's hard for me to let go. To accept things as they are when he's the love of my fucking life, you know? Still I'd rather stand by his side, take his hand and whisper that it's okay - rather than do everything in my power to try to stop him. I don't want him leaving, of fucking course not, but I don't want to try to force him into life either. Cause I've been there just too damn many times myself and I know what is a call for help and what isn't.
I'm trying to be strong for him, I really do, but sometimes maybe it's even better to be weak and not afraid to admit that? That I just can't handle this kind of pressure. It breaks me every time. What would anyone expect of me to do when I'm just dissolving? Can't pick up the phone, can't do anything but writing this crap while rocking myself and fighting back the tears. One day I could lose him, like really lose him and it's driving me insane.
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