The reality

Me hanging on the anorexia sub forums sometimes makes me forget that I don't actually have anorexia. Cause lately it feels like I do, since I almost only starve and then sometimes purge but never binge. My behaviour and mindset is all anorexic with purging tendencies. The only thing, literally the only thing missing is that I'm too fucking fat. I think it's ridiculous that they even have a weight criteria. I will reach it though, I so fucking will, just give me a little more time.

And why do people keep saying that I need to gain weight? Don't they see how fat I am? I've got a BMI of fucking 21 and that literally means I don't need to gain any weight at all. Not by any standards. It just makes me so mad that people think that and say such things. Are they just trying to make me feel better but obviously fail miserably? Or are they actually both blind and stupid?

Maybe I shouldn't whine so much, I actually did lose 4 pounds over 2 days and I should be happy about that. I am, but then I'm not. Cause I've got so much left to lose and it feels like such an ordeal to go through all that starvation required. Could I even survive living on 500 cals 4 days a week and fast 3 days a week, for 11 entire weeks? Assuming no binge eating during that time period. I don't even know what is deadly or not. I'm just living on pure desperation and breathing sad anticipation.

And that I still can't buy any groceries is still some kind of a fucked up boost. Just living on the little I have at home, half worried that some of it may have reached its expiration date too long ago, it's somehow like a thrill of sorts. A challenge. This is what poverty is, or when you've literally smoked up all your money.

You see, my smoking habit is so extremely expensive that I literally can't afford both cigarettes and food on the little money I get every month. My mother is paying for quite a lot. I just have to be able to get my precious cigarettes, I don't and never have had food as a priority. So I'll starve a little extra for a week then kindly ask my mother if I can get more money for more cigarettes. That's the plan, so far at least.

My stomach is hurting so much right now, but I don't feel any actual hunger. Last time I ate a meal was around 7:30 this morning. That's some intermittent fasting right there, and I just don't care. Heck, if it will make me lose more weight, the better! I wonder how soon I'll end up in a hospital eating like this. I mean, I can't even tell people at the ED forum exactly what I'm doing to myself. It's literally that bad.

Most people there only fast every so often and seem to eat around 800 calories a day. Some even more, yet they're the ones who are anorexic and I'm not. I am impatience itself. Impatient to lose weight, impatient to die. The only thing that really bothers me is that my brain is fucking shrinking on eating so little. Not that I ever wanted a huge brain or what not, but it's affecting me badly in a lot of ways. I can't focus, I can't concentrate, I can't think straight, I lose my train of thought all the time and I only feel dumber and dumber.

I get so weak, tired and slow too. Everything is flashing by so fast around me and I just can't keep up. I crash on the couch instead. I blatantly stare and squeeze out a confused "huh?" and I don't know how many hours a day I just sit and stare and get absolutely nothing done.

I'm not glamourising eating disorders just because I can't live without my own. It's a pretty damn nasty state to be in and all I can really think about is how dead it will hopefully eventually make me one day. It's not a way to live, it's a way to die.