And it doesn't matter that it will never be you and me K, you can still be the love of my life, I don't have to be yours. My love for you doesn't demand anything. All it wants is to keep burning. Of course it's been a bit of a bummer, and I miss all the kisses we never had, but I am learning to accept it. I will not kill myself because I can't be yours, that is not any of my reasons.
I will make sure you will know that, eventually. That you're very much not to blame for my suicide. In fact you kept me alive just a little bit longer. You kept my hopes and dreams alive when nothing else was alive within me. I've never blamed you for anything, and I hope that when that day comes, you won't blame yourself either. I set my own heart on fire, I kept it burning, I was the one who snuffed it out.
I had this really sad yet comforting fantasy right before I went to sleep last night, that I was dying in a hospital and you held me until I died. Now I would never want to put you through that in reality, but it was somehow soothing for me to just imagine it. While normal people fantasise about getting their dream job or house, I fantasise about dying in your arms.
That would be my selfish wish, a wish that I don't really want for to come true. I don't want you to ever see me dying. I'm not that selfish, far from it. When it comes to you especially. Always and forever you will come first. Cause my world somehow still revolves around you. I don't obsess much, but I'm trying to think about what would be best for you. Me not dying, obviously, but except from that.
I cannot live. I've tried so many times and now my time is soon up. The end is nigh. I wish to spend one day with you sometime, just the two of us. Now I'm not exactly demanding snuggles although that would be nice. No, I'm thinking more in terms of just hanging out together. Talking, watching a movie, taking a walk, anything.
Just seeing you in person for one day, or half a day if that's better, hanging out like friends. You could show me your favourite video game that I've been curious about, or we could listen to each others' favourite music. Talk shit about our other friends. It doesn't have to be deep or intense conversations. I just wish... to have that.
I would keep the memory of such a day with you like a precious gift. I just wish I could have that before I'm gone. Cause then it would be too late. And I don't care how fucking complicated it is for me to travel to around where you live, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I know distance really sucks when you're poor like me, but I'd bribe my mother to let me go or sneak away in secrecy if she wouldn't. What I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't hesitate and I'd make it work somehow.
Cause when I've gone to be with you, I just straight out refuse to crumble beneath my anxiety and half psychoses and dissociations that I get when I travel. Those feelings matter very little to me then. I remember last summer and the 7 hours travels that made me more than just a little dizzy. But reaching my goal kept me strong.
And I miss that I didn't get to see you this summer, or this year at all. And I know that I'm waiting for an invitation that may never happen. But I feel like it would be wrong, or just plain weird, to ask if I could just randomly pop by, or to invite you here.
And I find myself looking back to the time when I thought I had a chance with you. It went on for several months but I can't even remember which ones. Must have been last summer though. When you were single and we were talking almost every day. The years I've loved you merge together and are hard to separate. What happened which year. Sometimes it feels like I've loved you forever but I can't even remember how or when we met.
To be brutally honest, you didn't give much impression for the first few years or so. You were just an acquaintance, a possible friend that I didn't know so well. I can trace back our conversations online to 2010, but I can't pinpoint where they actually started. So much I can't and don't even want to mention here. That bond between us that I think was what brought us together, but I still can't be sure that that was it.
It's been one hell of a journey for me. How you went from being a perfect stranger to the love of my life in just over 5 years or so. I still kick myself for not being able to remember how we met. Did you find me or did I find you? What were our first words to each other? I've been meaning to ask you but I have a feeling you can't recall this either.
Because I don't want my last conversation with you to be through my suicide letter. I don't want to write everything down that I want you to know. No, I want to be able to actually tell you. And I know hearing that "honey, we need to talk" can be daunting, but I swear it's only gonna be positive. All my intentions are good, and as I said before, it will be a completely selfless act. I would tell what my heart screams for your sake, not for my own.
I want you to know the truth, all of it, cause I think it could do you some good. And if I'm wrong, I'm not perfect, okay? I can only do what I think is the right thing to do. If I thought never letting you know was the best then I would do that instead. It's not about my heart anymore, it's about yours.
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