Damned if I do

Laudanum. I fucking remembered that word after having lied and thought about it for half an hour. A very strong mix of opiates and alcohol. It's illegal in most countries. Just listening to "Opium" by Dead Can Dance made me think of it. Such a beautiful word, laudanum. I think I'll purge something again soon. I felt really dizzy after last time, which was just a few hours ago. Like the room was spinning but perfectly still at the same time. It was kinda strange.

As I'm in for another eat/purge session I know I'm just ruining my body on purpose. Use it as a form of self harm, as a means of suicide. Slow death, no control. I didn't collapse. Somehow I thought I would, and hoped it too. I keep thinking this time I'll do it right, this time I'll reach underweight and less, no one can stop me now, but I'm so scared of losing my eating disorder again. I'm scared I'll go crazy on food without being able to stop eating.

That I'll gain it all back again that it will all be a waste of time and effort and I'll never be able to get thin. That I just don't have it in me. Maybe it stops here and now, maybe I can't lose anymore? What if I'll never get below 52 kg, what if I'm stuck like this forever now? Just keep yo-yoing between my set point and 50 something kilos?

I will work as hard as I can, push myself to the limit and fucking beyond it. I don't care if I die doing this. But I do care if I start eating normally again. I can't have it that way, not ever again can I eat normally. But I feel so disgusting with my 58 fucking kilos and trying to rinse down puke in my mouth with diet coke. I'm a fat fucking failure how can I not be?

But ever since K told me I'm not a failure his words actually sunk in at least just a little bit, at least I'm not a failure to him. That means a lot. But I'm still a failure to myself and that's what I just can't get over. Night time thoughts are just the worst for me and I'm drowning in my own fucked up mind, and I can't function anymore. As if I've ever been able to, but it's worse now, so much worse.

I wish I could just fall asleep and sleep until I've starved off all these god damned 15 kilos. Would save me this torture. Cause I'm not having fun counting calories, stop eating when my stomach is still growling or to force myself to stay away from food for days after days when my whole body is screaming for food at 1:00 am every single fucking night. All of that just to see those numbers drop dramatically on the scale cause I don't have fucking forever. I'm dead in less than a year and I just can't die at this weight, but if I do, at least I fucking tried.