Urgh, I had gone up to 58,8 kg this morning. So not okay. Really need to do better during my fasts. Today I'm not gonna have anything besides caffeinated drinks and a few sips of water. Have to buy toilet paper so got up early today so I'll have plenty of time dealing with my racing heart before I need to go to the grocery store. Not that it's racing right now but it happens literally every day lately, so yeah.
If I'm gonna be physically capable of going down to below 58 kg by the end of the week I'm gonna need to be a lot harder on myself and fast properly. No fucking soup. Doesn't matter how piece free it is, soup is not okay when fasting. Cause I went up from 58,6 to 58,8 in just a matter of hours only because of that damn soup. And apparently walking off those calories did not help.
Yeah I'm mad at myself but not entirely pissed. I did lose 0,4 kg from yesterday and that's something I'm trying to be positive about. So it's Saturday now and still no real panic cause I've got 3 more days to fast because I'm skipping school on Monday. They say I really have to be there, I say I really don't. They're gonna tell everyone how well we've been behaving this term so far and I just can't listen to that stuff without crumbling. Barely managed those meetings last term, so this time I'm just gonna skip it.
So, got loads of time to fast and might, just might, even get down to below 57 kg by Tuesday morning. I always only count my morning weight, even though I do sometimes weigh myself more times during the day, just to see my progress on some fasting days. I can lose up to 1 kg during a single fasting day these days. Before it was like at most half a kilo. Yet, I'm so incredibly impatient and I know I won't really start getting excited before I drop to below 53 kg and hit a new lowest weight.
I'm planning on taking my measurements again when I hit underweight at 52 kg, then again at 50, 48 and 46 kg. Just want to see my body shrinking and not just the scale's number going down. I need to know when my thighs are thin enough, and that won't be at least before I can fit both my hands around one leg all the way up. Right now I can only do that to just above my knee and down. So not good enough.
I also need for my thighs to not "flow out" when I'm sitting down too. And to get that thigh gap back and for it to show when I'm sitting, standing and lying down. Not gonna be able to catch something falling down into my lap. I know I'm prone to have a thigh gap so it's not gonna be impossible to achieve, I do have the hips for that. Like the only good thing about my hips.
And I'm constantly checking in the mirror now, to see how visible my collar bones and ribs are becoming. I want to be bonespo, and I have such a long way to go. But I can reach that in no time as long as I can survive eating next to nothing. I suddenly feel a bit stronger today, not as tired or weak. And right now the only symptom I'm experiencing is that I'm extremely cold.
I'm smoking so much these days. 10 packs of cigarettes are never enough for a whole week, barely even 5 days. But it has to be enough until Monday now. God damn I'm freezing.
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