What I can give

I'm still trying to accept that K will with all likelihood never love me back, not the way that I love him. Because of course I can still love him, it absolutely won't change that. But I'm slowly letting go of him, letting him be with whoever he loves, and he should. He should definitely be with someone that he loves. And I know his current partner isn't a bad person in the least, I don't know her as well as him of course, but I think I know enough, and if it's meant to be those two, then that's what's meant to be and I won't interfere.

All I really want is for him to be loved, and one day I'm gonna make sure he knows it. Without putting any demands on him, without asking for anything in return. Just giving him the fact and hope he could see it as something positive. I want my love for K to so badly be a positive thing, but it's still driving me crazy. Loving someone who can't love me back has always been incredibly hard for me, still holding on to the dream about mutual love. That kind of love that I never really got.

And I hate it that the love of my life can't love me the same way back, but I still know that he's the one. If he isn't, then no one ever will be. I know that this is special and I will always hold on to him. Not necessarily cling, but just holding lightly. Keep an eye on him, try to make the best of the situation as it is. And move on, when the time is right. Keep him in my heart forever, but to not be bound to the love that I feel.

Carefully I take one small step back, but not breaking eye contact, carefully to see if the ground can still hold me. I wanted so much, I ached for so much and I still do. Still dreaming of him looking me deep into my eyes, still fantasising about his lips meeting mine. I'll tell him everything one day, when the time feels right. It's something I just cannot force or hurry up. A part of me still wonders if he knows, if he ever suspects it.

I've been dropping hints for 2 years, I've even told him that I like him more than as a friend. I still don't know if he knows. It's not something that is easy to take in, not something you just easily believe. I don't expect him to just lightly accept it when I do tell him, but I think I'll have to choose my words carefully, as well as the opportunity. I will know when the time is right, I always have in the past.

I don't really try to keep it from him, on the contrary, I try to show it all the time. Even if I'm not in the mood, even if I'd rather just die alone, even when I feel as though all hope is gone. He always comes first, but sometimes I can't function, properly or at all. The way I show care, I think he understands that much. But my constant wish to not be a burden or a bother might be getting in the way sometimes. When he trips and falls and I'm not there to pick him up, I do feel guilty, horrible in fact. Even if I'm right there.

I wish I could do so much more, be the friend he deserves and needs to have, but all my reasons become so empty and petty and I wonder what in the midst is wrong with me. I can't function. I'm not the person I wish I could be, not even close. But I've been doing all I can and more, I've broke myself for his peace of mind. And it's always been worth it, every single second. I'd break my own heart a thousand times if that could save him.

I wanted to spare him the burden of possibly thinking it was his fault that I broke in pieces. It was no one's fault, it just happened, but I'm so scared of saying the wrong thing, of phrasing it horribly. So I kept it to myself, thinking it's always better that I suffer than the both of us. I'd take his burden any minute if I could, I don't care if it would kill me.

I think I'm onto something but I can't grip it. It's yet too far away. But I'm getting closer, can almost touch it now, if only my arms were a little longer. I want to give him my heart without wanting anything in return, I want for him to simply know that he's loved. Before I go. A completely selfless act. That's why I have to wait, cause I need for it to be completely selfless. There it is, I can reach it now.