Getting by

15:45 and I've just gone up. The scale was stupid this morning and showed me 58,8 kg just like yesterday. So I ignored that and went with this afternoon's weight instead which was better: 58,5 kg. My heart is fluttering again. It makes me dizzy. I try to breathe calmly, or rather, I do breathe calmly, but it doesn't help. I'm not stressed or jaded or anything, just being myself and taking it easy with a coffee and a cigarette. My heart has gone crazy.

It's uncomfortable, but I'm getting used to it being that way by now. It makes me tired though. And I need to go to the bathroom but for some reason I'm procrastinating it. Just light up another cigarette instead, then another. I have nothing to do today, but I might go to the grocery store again. I might also not, haven't decided yet, cause I need to buy cigarettes tomorrow either way. But that little bit of exercise might do me good. I don't know, I can't decide.

For 18 days I've been starving now, and I can feel it in my whole body. The cravings are getting worse, more intense at night. So I go to bed before they get unreasonably strong, usually around 1:00 am. I can't always go to sleep at that point, but I often try. Cause I know that when I wake up, the cravings are gone again. My heart now calms down, flutters again to calm down again. I find it confusing.

My mouth is so dry, but it's so hard to drink water, or anything besides coffee for that matter. My mind usually won't allow me to think of a certain person that way, who isn't K, but sometimes it's like I just can't help myself. I wonder if it could ever become how I imagine it though. I wonder if I really want that or if I'm just lonely. Reaching out only because of loneliness is rarely a good thing, I've come to learn, but perhaps it's something more behind my thoughts. I wonder...

I won't tell you who it is, but maybe you can figure it out. Or maybe you can't, as I'm trying to be very subtle. Just saying that I don't know if it's working. I feel sad today and a little empty, the sadness and the emptiness clash and shouldn't be able to co-exist. But they do, somehow they do.

I did just go to the bathroom. Don't know why I procrastinate such things... it makes no sense. But I hate my body and its stupid needs. I just need to be at 57 kg by Tuesday and I don't know if my body can do that. That's 1,5 kg to lose. But I'll be fasting so it should be possible. Unless I give into cravings, or collapse and the crew finds me and forces me to eat somehow. Or bring to a hospital. I don't fear hospitals, but I'd like to avoid them at all cost. Because I don't want for them to make me better. What I want is to get thin as fast as possible and then I want to die.

I saw something on youtube, "Starving secrets" or something like that. Anyhow, there was a woman there with chronic anorexia and she had lived on 500 calories a day, walking 6 hours a day (burning 1500) for the past 4 years or so. I don't want to live like this for 4 years... and that was all I could think. She was very thin of course, but even if I could get that thin, I still wouldn't want to go on like this or in any other way for 4 years. She had had her anorexia for 12 years though. I wonder how she could even survive. It was very barely, in and out of hospitals all the time, but still.

My body is so strong, that my fear of ending up like that seems somehow valid. You know, if it wasn't for my prophecy. But I'm still, somewhat, scared that it won't be true. I'm ready to die, and if the next fall comes and I'm still here, that's really gonna make me mad. And my silly heart keeps doing its thing. I guess it really doesn't like me starving like this.

I read that my BMR is only 1500 calories a day. Somehow that seems very little for an adult transguy on hormones, but okay. I'm short and fairly light weight though, and I should add that that's if I don't exercise at all.

I finally get money tomorrow. It's been a hard month but I don't know why. I didn't buy any extras of what I can remember. It was extra bills though, that might explain it. I don't know. My mother always makes sure I have 5-6000 kr just to survive on but I didn't make it on that this month.

Maybe I'll buy that foundation in December instead, as an early Christmas present to myself or something. Cause I still want it, and I need it because the one I have is still too light and therefore utterly useless. And I can't live with that on my conscience that I've spent nearly 400 kr on something useless. So I need to do that, at some point or another.