Heart of fire

And I chain smoke to keep my sadness at bay. I can't deal, yet I do, it's all I can do. There's something about that picture of you K, that I just can't stop trying to figure out. Some sadness and content, acceptance of what's going on. Like you're shying away, yet stay in the moment. Often times I find myself analysing your pictures, and I try to imagine exactly what went on inside you the very moment each photograph was taken.

It's all that I have. Sometimes it feels like that's all I have of you. Just glimpses, re-organised, often random. And sometimes I think I can even see the darkness that drowns you in those pictures. It's in your eyes, even when you smile. Do I know you well, or just searching for what I intend to find?

I finish my coffee but never my cigarettes. They keep burning in my hand, leaning over the mess on my floor. Always afraid of the sparks, as they might cause a fire someday. I don't have a fire extinguisher. Yet I fantasise about the fire, of burning alive. How I would just stand there and watch my body burn, until I pass out from the smoke.

Maybe that's why I so casually smoke while lying down on my couch, wrapped up in several fleece blankets that would turn into wildfire if so just a spark finds its way. Fire. The fire in my heart cancels out the frost in my soul. Leaves me room temperatured.

And I dream of all the ways to die as much as I dream of you. Fantasies of death mixed with fantasies of a perfect romance. Sometimes I combine them and we die together. I know you sometimes want to die too. My poisonous thoughts and hopeless heart combined. Maybe death is my true romance, the only romance I'll ever truly have. Like passion for my crimes, the only way it can be.

I identify with fire, wild and untameable, so easily put out. Maybe water can kill me, if I drown? Because fire is passion too and I've got so much of it. Perhaps you know. How when I do something I often times really put my heart and soul into it. I burn it with my hands.

But winter is the season closest to my soul, then maybe summer is closest to my heart. I am full of contradictions. My demon soul, my human heart. I cannot say which is the best, but neither seem to fit into this world. And fire and frost combined is only water.

Maybe I've been flowing like water between dimensions and lives. Always found a way in, a way to be a part of everything but I still drown everything. Maybe I'm shapeless like water, only put into shapes in one life or another, but no shape could ever contain me. I'm running out through the cracks.

And nothing can fill me for I am truly shapeless. I've tried, but the void is me. Maybe it's always been best to just leave it be. Let it grow bigger, let it consume me. But how can I consume myself? And the darkness is me, it's always been me, rather than a part of me. Only love has ever been my path towards the light. I found it in Dala when I found Caspian, but then as that was taken away from me, I became only darkness.

And I'm so lost without that love. It used to fulfill me to a degree no human being can imagine. It didn't change who I was, but it changed everything. Where I am no longer matters to me, as long as I get to feel that again. I have to see him again, I have to be with him. For soon 27 years I've been so lost without Caspian, I cannot stand it any longer.

I've carried him with me in my soul, for as long as I can remember, but it's never been enough. I have to see him. And I know that if or when I do, nothing else will ever matter again. I'll disappear into his heart and stay there forever. The love of my existence, how can I ever let go?

Sometimes he haunts me at night, I can feel his soft presence like the presence of a very familiar ghost. I wonder if he died too, or if he's just visiting me. He doesn't very often and it's been months since last time. I will never stop dying until I can see him again. I'm so tired of living, any life, I just want to go home and my home is his heart.