I have a feeling this is gonna be a long night. I can't stand it. It's like it's crawling beneath my skin and I feel restless, bored, hungry, tired, starved to madness. I still can't believe I'm so broke. Like really, can't even afford food. I think I'm gonna go for a walk soon. I don't know, just need to do something. I'm barely even coherent.
Okay I'm finally having that tea now which puts me at 131 calories for today. I think that's gonna be it. I'm going to bed soon cause I forgot how to function without food. Tomorrow I can eat and hopefully I haven't gained any weight. I can't have, but it could be water weight in that case. What I mean is, it can't be real weight, cause you don't gain on 131 calories in and 188 calories out. My net is minus 57 calories.
I'm usually at an extreme minus considering I actually use up 2000 calories a day by just breathing and having my body keep all my organs up and running. Of course that process is slowed down when starving, my body temperature gets lower and such. But I often make sure that the extra calories that I burn through walking are more than the calories I consume. I don't know how long I could technically live like that, I could be dead in months if my body doesn't react and start feeding itself without my control, aka reactive eating.
I don't even know why I do that but it's like it's giving me a kick or something. To be able to eat less than I burn. I feel okay so far, I mean I'm not dying just yet, it's only been about a week or 11 days cause it started October 1st. That's a good day to call some kind of a start. I think it mainly was the ABC diet that got me into this "eat some, burn more" kinda thing, but I've done it before, last autumn.
Although it puts me in a horrible binge cycle so I know I should be more careful, but I'm just so eager to lose weight I have to lose it as fast as possible or my impatience will fucking kill me first. I have to become thinner than I've ever been, lighter than I've ever been as an adult and that before my time is up. I just know I have to reach my goal as soon as possible and keep losing cause I'm not gonna be satisfied. What's wrong with my idea of perfection? Being so extremely thin you won't have enough muscles to walk up straight? What has this illness done to me?
I'm rambling, I'm ranting, I'm at day 2 of my fast but it could be counted as day 3 cause the first day I purged all that I ate so there were basically no calories. I haven't purged today either, so 2 days purge free but I'm not even trying to be. I'll probably empty my fucking fridge tomorrow and purge it and waste the little I have left of for an entire week. I'm too poor for my eating disorder it's wrecking my economy even though I thought I saved money by barely eating.
I'm gonna have to tell my mother to kindly give me more money cause I can't even afford anything, no food, no cigarettes, no nothing. My stomach is hurting sometimes growling and maybe these jeans are still a tad too tight. I'm just gonna continue rambling until I fall asleep and forget about the pain just sleep it all away and hope I won't have nightmares about eating food again cause oh my god is that annoying.
Maybe just 5 more minutes it's 0:08 and I have school tomorrow. Gonna have my breakfast and maybe see if my banana is still okay to eat, I know it's over 100 calories in a banana but we'll see what I'll do with it. I really do like bananas but I hardly ever eat them because they're so high in calories. It's a god damned fruit but it's packed with fat and sugars which also makes it so tasty. Oh god will I ever be able to stop?
Cause I don't know how many of my 500 calories I should waste on my breakfast but probably a little less than half which makes around 170 or so but not more than 200. I used to suck at math but I think I've actually become better at it now. I'm doing everything "better" ED wise, I starve better, purge better, count my calories better, hide it better and even binge better I think but I don't know cause I haven't had a real binge since before my relapse and maybe that's my point.
It's hard to keep dividing everything into sentences and paragraphs when everything is a mess in my head. I really wanted to try some tuna or makrill with rice that I intended to buy today but I guess that will just have to wait. I want to include some other types of meat except from just chicken and both tuna and makrill were fairly low in calories only about 100 kcal/100 gram. And I won't have a whole 100 gram in one meal which you probably guessed it wouldn't even be half of that.
I know rice is kinda high in calories but it's okay if I only have a little and I don't think a few carbs would kill me on such a calorie deficit. But I'm scared of carbs when I'm deep into my ED so yeah. It's not logical for me to be that way but then again ED's aren't always logical. Okay I think I need to stop now.
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