What the fuck did I just dream?! It's 5:49 and I'm back up from bed in an instance. I've never woken up more scared in my entire life. Anyone seen the movie "Inception"? Well, long story very short they have dreams within dreams for up to 3 layers, I think. Well it just took me ages to wake up, literally from one nightmare within another and I'm so fucking scared right now that what if I'm still dreaming.
I can't stop shivering, I'm so cold. My headache is about 5 times worse than normally and I just pray that I've never smoked in my dreams at night cause if I haven't this is proof I'm actually awake. Is my body dying, is that why my sleep is so fucked? My malnourished brain malfunctioning? Will I never be able to truly rest again?
My subconscious is a freak show that knows no limits. No fucking limits at all. And I'm still thinking I'm still dreaming and I just can't fucking wake up. I've woken up if it was 3 or 4 times from each dream that was within another what if it's endless? The last one was the most horrifying although it's probably quite lame to you.
In it, I had just woken up from a dream in which some kind of earth quake woke me up. I was sleeping on a couch in an apartment which apparently was my home. I had my family's cats sleeping on me so I thought I was safe, and dumped a couple of them gently onto my father who was half awake in another room. His reaction was not out of the ordinary. Then as I thought everything was fine I went to lie down an inflatable mattress in a living room next to a cradle of baby dolls. I looked out the window and suddenly noticed there was something strange about it. The inflatable mattress went out of air and the dolls in the cradle started moving. I went into the most literal panic ever as I screamed that I wanted to wake up. I have a phobia for such dolls.
I'm shivering and nearly shaking just writing this, cannot control my breathing. More cigarettes to ground me, still afraid to truly believe I'm actually awake. I'm close to tears, I cannot fucking breathe right. Are there ghosts in this room, or why am I 10 times colder than usual? It finally broke me, now I am scared of sleeping again. I'll drink all the coffee I can muster, I'm not going back to that bed, not going back into my subconscious.
It's all the lies, isn't it? Me keeping all this stuff about my ED and suicide from my loved ones. Secrets in general caused fucking serious hypnophobia almost exactly 2 years ago for me. And I hate being back in that hell. Cause without sleep and without food, I won't be functioning at all.
If I'll sleep I'll sleep on Imovane, never without it, cause it takes the dreams away. I'm still cold, despite wearing my thick fleece robe over my knitted hoodie and everything else. I can't stop shivering. I can barely keep awake, my eyes just want to close, even after having a cup of coffee. My life will just fall apart from here on. I don't have a fighting chance without sleep. Not at school, not at anything. Now I'm falling.
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