Just venting, reactive eating

I just want to overdose on something and sleep for 48 hours. This pain is so hard to deal with, and knowing that if I just ate healthy again that pain would be gone is just frustrating to me. Will I ever get used to this? Living like this? Or will these empty nights eat me alive one day?

I crumble beneath the yogurt for half a cup. 60 calories. It's worth it, right? That and a cup of tea with 34 calories of treacle. Sigh, I hate the nights. Because my cravings hit the fucking roof until I crave absolutely everything edible or not. It's crazy, it's beyond crazy. Great, now my stomach started growling again too...

Oh my god... I just literally drank another 200 gram (120 calories) of that yogurt, as I promised myself I can actually purge it. That's not even drinkable yogurt, but the regular kind. My body just... damn. I am so starved now, these fasts are just getting harder and harder. I don't think I can even call this a fast now. Reactive eating is already happening it's just that I stop it before it goes overboard and then purge everything. So I "win" in the end and still manage to continue losing weight. But god damn my body hates me now.

I believe yogurt is easy to purge, so that's why I had more of that instead of something else. So not looking forward to the toilet bowl now... but it has to come up again or I'll fucking freak out. There, problem solved. Can't have taken me even 2 minutes this time. Hope that didn't ruin my weight loss.

Somehow I manage to avoid having bigger meals, too big to purge it all, I mean. I don't know what kind of super power I got to be able to always, including my "binges", stay under 800 calories every single day for 18 days. Like right now. I gorged on 1,5 cup of yogurt but I stopped there. I was able to stop even when every fibre of my being was yelling for more. I don't understand but I am grateful for that ability, or what to call it.

Now I think I somewhat cured my body's hunger. I feel empty again and with no cravings. I can think more clear again and the thoughts of food are finally, slowly leaving me. But damn that yogurt tastes too good. It's light/low fat with blueberry and vanilla taste. Not so fucking strange I almost drank it straight from the package. I did however actually portion it up and calculate the calories, which I almost find rather impressive in that state.

Ugh, I'm such a mess... can't even allow myself some yogurt after having literally starved for 2 days straight. All I had yesterday was a cup of broth and a tablespoon of that yogurt. It was 13 calories. It feels like I'm falling apart, how I go fine during the day without food but then completely crumble at night. I have no idea how tomorrow will go, if it gets worse, or better, or just as bad as today.

I just get this sudden instinct to throw away all my food again, but I'm not exactly made of money and it would be such a waste. If only things could come in smaller packages in the stores! I mean who the fuck eats a kilo of lettuce of a whole package of yogurt that fast? Like maybe normal people...

I get so warped up in my own head, you know. Like I can't explain even half of what I'm thinking. And all these feelings around food they're so... complicated.