Breaking me

I made it almost a week without purging, then sadness came and I'm screwed. Cigarette break is over. I stare blankly ahead of me. I just purged. I purged so hard I never have before. Blood in my vomit. I'm a disaster. I feel wrecked, ruined, torn in pieces. I did this to myself. Is eating disorder a choice...?

"I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul"

Hurts, it does. Mentally and physically. But I don't have control. Not that much, at least. Now trying to restore the fluid balance by drinking lots of water. I will soon go out for a walk. I'll walk around the school and around the grocery store, I'll walk until I fucking die, to burn off the last remaining calories of what I binged on.

And I can still taste it, that pie. My throat is so sore right now, but drinking water helps a bit. Just got back home from my walk. I burned 586 calories through walking today. That puts my net calories below the daily calorie limit, no matter if that pie was 600 or 700 calories. I should feel good that I somehow managed it anyway, but all I feel is sad and empty. Hopeless and lost. Despondent.

There was blood in my vomit and I think I should react more to it than I do. At least I think I should react at all. I just don't even care. That could be dangerous, but I probably just tore something up with my finger nails. They're a little too long. That, or I purged too hard. I really forced it out of me, just had to get up as much of it as I could. Bad idea, I know.

I could never purge in a public restroom, or even at my family's place. I'm way too loud and I look like a mess afterwards. It's 4:00 am, I should be in bed. Just took my meds. They were hard to swallow. K is still lingering in my mind, and so is everything else. Just lingering. I hope I won't have gained by the morning, I know it would only be food weight or water weight, but I'd still scream and throw the scale around in frustration.

Depends on how high the number is too. I'll freak out if it's above 63, but probably not if it's not. Then just sigh and put on my baggy clothes. Cause school needs to happen. I need to get this off my mind, if I possibly can. I might get reminded of it again though, if classmates start talking about food and weight loss again. It's so fucking triggering.

Wow, I relapsed so fucking hard, didn't I? I can feel it breaking me. Now everything at once. I restrict, fast, binge, purge and take insane walks to burn off calories. All at once, I don't know how to breathe. My thoughts aren't coherent, so I mostly let Anna speak for me right now. She tells me sentences and I judge if it's good to write down here or not. She feels what I feel after all.

And I can't even sleep now that I'm physically exhausted from that walk. I have to give it a try. I've drank 4 or 5 glasses of water since I purged, that's gotta be enough. I'll just leave this here and hope I won't cause a storm of worry. I have to put it behind me so that I can invite a new day and start fresh again.