Torn apart today

Maybe I'll just disappear on Tuesday. Run away somewhere. Lie down in the grass far far from here with good music and my diary and several packs of cigarettes. I don't ever want to be social again. Just isolate. Don't pick up the phone. Don't answer the door. Don't go anywhere. I just need to be left alone for a while, or forever. I hate people, disgusting people. I can't stand them.

I shouldn't have mentioned the meeting, now it's all blowing up in my face. If it's about them wanting me to accept more help from the crew, they can go and screw themselves. Cause I won't. I'm having them around just about as much as I can tolerate. If they threaten to evict me I don't care. I don't want to live here anyway. I don't want to live.

I'm gonna preach how much I live life on my own terms now, in every single aspect. Rule number one: no one is gonna force me to do anything, with or against my will. I'm playing a risky game with my apartment in the spin. I don't know what they could possibly threaten with, I don't care. If they even as much as mention eviction I'm out of here. Out of Hemse, out of Gotland. I'll find my way crawling back to Uppsala as it's the only place I'd want to die at. LSS or normal apartment, but it's actually starting to lean towards a normal one, where I could be left alone.

The sweet smell of the cigarette is soothing me. I'm so tired and hungry but I don't even want to eat. Life is slipping away from me, one meal at a time, one day at a time, one selfish act at a time. And as I scream for the whole world to just leave me alone, I come here to write down my thoughts and somehow share them with you. I don't know why.

Cause somewhere in my broken heart I think that if only you read it, then everything isn't lost. Then maybe we still have a chance, that maybe we won't be strangers when or if we ever meet again. I miss you, I love you, soulmate sister. But I just can't pick up the phone. I lost myself in the dark tangles of my heart, in the jungle of thoughts and downward spirals in my head. I lost myself so completely and I don't think I can find my way back again. I've become what I most feared to become as a child.

Indifferent, emotionless, cold, desperate, aching for death, despondent. And my heart still bleeds, it always will. For all I've been aching, hoping, dreaming. But there won't be any more dreams for me. I killed and buried my last dream and I'm not exactly creating new ones. What's the point? What's the bloody point?

So this is the shell that the world hollowed out for me. It feels like all that remains is an empty shell. I can't feel anything but the sadness slowly destroying me. As if something is devouring me. I want to feel free once more, on the dance floor at a random goth club. Booze in my veins, music loud in my ears, dressed to kill. I don't care if I go there alone or with the people I once knew.

But I'm afraid it's never gonna happen again. I'd probably be too sick to be able to let my family allow me to leave with my eating disorder finally taking its toll. But I will go, sooner or later, one last trip, no matter how weak I am. If I so have to run away from a hospital, steal some clothes and jump up on the nearest flight. Book a hotel room, stay for as long as I can afford, force my best friends to see me before I leave planet Earth no fucking matter how busy they may be. You can always find time for one last and final farewell.

I'm just so torn apart today. As if death is already whispering in my ear. You have to do it, there's no escape, it says in a crypted code that only I can understand. My prophecy, my curse, what have they done to me?

I'm a stranger in this world, I just can't feel at home anywhere I go. Like an immigrant, I moved here from another world. No one here is of my kind, no matter what you think you believe. No matter how much we have in common, I'm an alien, I come from a much different universe. I'm tired, so tired of being here. All I ever got was pain and more pain and it never fucking stops. It just has to end one day, and I'm looking forward to it. I have nothing else to look forward to.