I'm just so scared what's going on with my scale. Maybe I don't weigh 54 kg at all? What if I'm all the way up to 57 and it's just been fooling me for these past few days? If I weigh 54 or less tomorrow morning I know I'll feel safe again but this is seriously stressing me out. Oh fuck no... cravings already! I want a chicken salad so bad. I don't have chicken at home but I could go buy some... nope I'm fasting. Fasting fasting fasting. Trying to lose weight here and we're not gonna eat chicken salad or anything else for that matter.
Sigh. Just trying to reason with myself. Okay, I'd rather risk more sleep paralysis than sit awake with these cravings. Ugh I feel so fucking fat I want to sleep for a month and then wake up thin. And I can't have my disgusting thighs touching when I'm sitting down which means I have to sit with my legs very far apart. So fucking gross. I haven't been this grossed out by my body in a long time, what the actual fuck, is that scale doing with my head?!
Just... why can't today be over soon? I hate this fucking day. I want to never leave my apartment again, not before I'm at least crossing the border to underweight, but that's just 2 kg away so it probably won't make any difference in how I look anyway. But at least the numbers would be on my side. It feels like I'm 10 times bigger this autumn compared to the last even though I'm at the exact same weight again. I don't remember my stomach being this gross, I don't remember my thighs being this huge, or my arms this fat.
I remember being able to see my ribs when stretching and I remember my collar bones being more visible. I see it on photos, fuck I really am bigger now, knew my damn scale was lying. But we'll see tomorrow morning, cause I won't believe it just like that. I've been fasting for 4 days, I should have lost at least 2 kg or at least one tiny little kilo. I don't understand and won't accept it if I'm heavier than 54 kg by tomorrow morning.
But then I probably wouldn't understand or accept it if I'm lighter either. This doesn't make any sense at all. But I should be lighter and I should continue to lose through this fast. 7 days would equal a loss of 4-7 kg. I should be underweight before Friday. Then I'll have a protein shake for breakfast before the meeting with my shrink and a chicken salad for dinner after. Then back to fasting and I can lose 1-2 more kilos.
If I'm obsessing enough then maybe I can calm myself down. That I can be underweight before Friday and that I actually even should be, since I'm losing 0,5-1 kg a day when I'm fasting. I've been doing good, great actually, losing 9 kg in less than 4 weeks, sticking to my crazy "diet" of at most 500 calories a day. There's nothing wrong with my scale, maybe I just had to poo or something. I've actually been feeling the need to do that for a couple of days without having been able to. I'll take some laxatives before I go to bed, sort that problem out.
Yeah, maybe I just need to take a dump, that's logical. Cause it can't be food weight since I haven't eaten in 4 days and it wasn't water weight either cause I peed right before I stepped on that scale 5-6 times right after each other. Am I going crazy? Or passed that stage long ago? Cause this doesn't seem very logical, this how fat I suddenly feel, as if I'm at least 5 kg heavier than my scale said I was this morning. And then having it just screwing further with my head by showing me higher and higher numbers later in the day despite the fact that I haven't eaten it's just gah I'm going crazy!
Maybe I'm hallucinating too? Wouldn't that be a charm. So fucking tired of this and now I'm getting dizzy/lightheaded too. Fucking great. I should buy some juice tomorrow, just to not get so low blood pressure or something. I know it's a calorie bomb but at least it's liquid so it wouldn't be breaking my fast. Gotta make do with chocolate oat milk for now. If it hasn't expired yet, that is.
This nightmare never ends. I'm just feeling too fat to even be able sit comfortably. The amount of how much I just want to carve off the fat from my thighs is immense right now. I hate my genes, I hate all the fat on my body. So much hate... what good does it do?
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