140 hours

God damn it this is by far the hardest moment of my fast so far. I just think "I have to eat something, I'll go empty my fridge, I can purge it but I just have to have something!" and I can't stop the thoughts. What the fuck do I do? Should I break my fast or try to calm down? Why now? I can't fight these thoughts, they're overwhelming. 140 hours, I'm caving in.

Boiled egg with chicken soup and some lettuce. Hopefully it will come back up again. It was all I had at home. I'm feeling dizzy. I just gorged on it without thinking anything except "oh my god" over and over again. Now my stomach seems mildly upset. I just thought that since I'm gonna purge it, it doesn't matter what it is I eat. I'm gonna continue fasting after this, I already regret my decision.

I'm feeling the emptiness and guilt drowning me already. I haven't even purged it yet. Suddenly trying to imagine what it would be like to purge in someone else's presence. I hope I'll never have to do that. Okay that was easy. A little too easy almost. It came out of me quite forcefully. But ew, let's not discuss that. Though it does disgust me less and less, for some reason. Perhaps I'm just getting all the more used to it. Numbed by it.

Okay what is my stomach even doing? Not liking my treatment of it perhaps. I doubt that it will, but I hope this can startle a quicker weight loss perhaps. Like some kind of boost to my system that seemed to have died a little. Re-awaken it or something. I'm so miserable right now. Trying to calm my agitated soul down with some tea. I could need someone's arms to crawl into right now, but I only have my own.

My body is trying to fight this with everything it can. Once again, there's a war between my mind and my body. But like never before, this war is new and it's intense as fuck. And I'm stuck somewhere in between the two sides, just letting them fight, see who wins. But my body can't win and the mind can't survive without the body. It's a fight that will most likely end in death.

I ruined my 140 hours long fast, what was I thinking? Just food, food, food, food. My mind was racing with only one thing on it. I couldn't take it anymore. But I let no food stay in me so did I actually ruin the fast or not? Damn it, sometimes purging complicates more than it simplifies. Should go to bed soon, can't stand being awake in this state.

I'm a mess. I hope fasting will go better tomorrow and that I've lost more weight. I hope so much it's breaking me. I try to live on hope cause my body is so fucking unpredictable. Think I actually lost more weight when I ate between shorter fasts which is just insane. According to science I should lose more the less I eat.

I'm drifting away. Empty, so fucking empty. Thinking I just have to lose all this weight, the same kilos again. And it just leaves me feeling so hollow. And in my thoughts is that tiny little hope that I'll just suddenly weight less than 54 without having to see 56,2 and 55,6 and 54,2 again on the scale. Or whatever decimals but I usually lose like that. It would take me days. Days after days after days when I should have weighed less than 52 kg already.

Why does my body have to be this way, why does it defy all kinds of logic like the fucking rest of me? Why is nothing ever simple?! I want to disappear into another universe. Everything inside me just hurts. Now I really just want to sleep forever. Starve it better, starve better, try again, fail again, fail better. What else can I do?

It feels like I just want to give up and sleep everything away, but I just can't. I'll never reach underweight, will I? It seems so very far away. I don't know what I weigh, everything is a mess.