Ranting numbers

I'm chatting back and forth on a forum thread with another guy who is also doing the ABC diet. Don't know if we motivate each other or just complain about how much it totally sucks. 96 calories so far. I just know I'm gonna go over the limit, I just know it, cause I'm fucking starving and can't even think straight anymore.

I bought some white cabbage and a vitamin drink. That just put me at 107 calories. But I don't care. I'm fucking starving and what's 7 tiny calories in the whole big picture anyways? Maybe I'll nibble on some more cabbage but then that's it, no more food for me today.

I really do eat a lot more vegetables when I'm more or less drowning in ED thoughts. That's mainly because they're usually very low in calories. That cabbage is just 26 kcal/100 g for example, and cucumber is even lower, with just 11 kcal/100 g. Also it's healthy, so I can eat lots of it (within reason, okay) and not feel guilty.

Secondly I eat meat, which almost hurts to say because I'm a former vegan, but hey what kinda. Things always change when it comes to me. Mostly I eat meat next up because I like the taste and it's a good source of protein, which I also need lots of.

What I do eat too little of is mainly diary products. The only thing I can think of that I do consume of in that category is eggs, which is quite seldom and I doubt that the oat milk with no extra calcium counts.

So I most likely have or will get a calcium deficiency. My poor, lovely bones. I've been thinking of making a change in that department though, but I don't know how cause most diary products are so freaking high in calories it almost terrifies me but mostly it just annoys me. Like light milk is 45 kcal/100 g and that's just half a glass (barely) which is way too much for me right now. Perhaps after this diet, I don't know.

Carbs I purposely cut out from my diet although I know it's irrational and not at all necessary. Cause it literally doesn't matter if I eat 400 calories of cabbage or pasta every day, it literally wouldn't make any difference at all to my weight. But it's what made me lose weight in the past and all I can think about when I hear carbs is "fat fat fat" so yeah.

What else have I forgotten? Yeah I usually skip posting all that food and number rambling nonsense here cause I think it would just bore you, but then I don't always care what would bore you or not. I need to ramble that stuff to keep myself sane. It's what's keeps the really bad thoughts away. The ones that make me rock myself in complete silence and staring blankly in front of me without seeing a shit.

So yeah. I'd like to avoid those thoughts, the really dark ones that rips me asunder inside. My eating disorder still helps me that way, as it's still my most effective method of self harm. And the more I starve, binge or purge, the more I get obsessed with making that number on the scale go down just so that I can look good naked. Looking good for myself and only myself. I know society still doesn't exactly promote extreme thinness among men, it still promotes muscles.

My ideal of wanting to be a tiny, tiny man surely goes against all the standards. But fuck the standards and fuck society. But it makes me wonder if other men with eating disorders have the same ideal or if it's different somehow. Of course there must be differences, but yeah. I know that some want to be thin and muscular, for example, but I just want to be bones.

I guess that's my real ultimate goal weight, just bones left of me. The real issue for me with that is how to avoid hospitals and getting re-fed/weight restored, if I can ever lose such a massive amount of weight when I can't even get below 60 kg this time. We'll see tomorrow, if this is my last day on this horrible diet or not. If I weigh anything more than 60,5 kg I'm going off it for a 3 days long fast instead. Cause I'm getting real tired of this shit now. This is just me ranting, this is what my ED does to my brain. Slowly fucking frying it, and I like it.