Not knowing if I care might just mean that I do

Y. I know you don't judge me and that I don't scare you, but sometimes when I scare myself I think I must be scaring everyone else around me too. But I know that I should know better than that. It's hard for me to see further than my own brain sometimes, perhaps you've noticed. That when I get lost in my downward spirals I really do get lost in them.

I do appreciate that you love me unconditionally and I don't doubt that you do, you've shown it more than several times, but somehow I can't feel the same way back. I guess you already know that. Maybe something is missing or I'm just too much in love with K to let anyone else into my heart. I like somehow that you are still here and our kinda indirect messages to each other. It wouldn't surprise me if we did get back in contact again one day. Perhaps not the same way as before as that didn't quite work out though.

I do think about you, but I'm not sure what I feel. I know my feelings aren't forever tossed away just because I can't really reach them anymore, it's just that, I can't really reach them. I'm afraid of them and what they could do to me. But I know I never hated or disliked you, I'm pretty sure the problem is on me. I thought I wanted more than I did, I thought (and still think) that you're a to me very likable person (and let's just leave good and bad out of it) and I guess I'm having a hard time letting go. Maybe there's no real reason for me to, I don't know.

I'm trying to sort out at least a bit of my mess to at least figure out if there's anything I want at all if not what that could also be. Being around people, anyone, has become so hard. And I don't even know how much I care anymore. But still sending you these messages makes me think that that alone means I really do care. It's all so confusing to me at this point. I can't read between my own lines and I'm not even 100% sure of what I'm saying.

Yes I'm holding back, I'm holding back a lot cause I'm scared of screwing up again and I want to be sure of what I'm doing now. So yes I hesitate and keep my distance at least until I know that ground is safe to walk on. That's all I can say for now, my words are failing me. I hope this was at least a little understandable.