Realisations and insights

I've been thinking. In school, I always appear so happy and like I'm really trying... but you know what just hit me? There's like an old saying or something, that when a depressed person suddenly appears happier, that is when you should really start getting worried, because that's often because they know they're going to die finally. Maybe that's why everything feels a little lighter, not so forceful anymore. Because I know I won't need to suffer for that much longer.

Yeah I'm slow and you already figured it out, I get it. It's just that I've never really seen that behaviour in myself before. I mean it's not certain that that's what's going on here, but it's a possibility. I fall apart at night and am reborn every morning. I chat with my classmates, give them good advice, have a laugh, all the while starving myself awaiting my definite end.

I'm not even sure I will miss them, or exactly why I act as if I'm perfectly fine when I'm actually fucking drowning. It does seem to come natural to me and that's the part I can't quite understand. It could be me just enjoying the little I have left to enjoy, while it's lasting. I don't think I have depression, this is something else, something simpler yet more complicated. Something I can't quite explain.

It's like a weird mix of euphoria and dystopia. Maybe I really am dying and these are my last gasps. Not physically, not yet, but emotionally. It's like I'm one step ahead of myself, or it feels a little that way, and that's what makes me feel so secure and confident.

I'm not sure where I'm getting at, just trying to calm down new insights and realisations. Let them sink in and land a little bit. So that I can easier analyse them to pieces. Ugh, you know me. But I don't feel so shattered anymore. I mean, yeah I'm all over the place, but that's the way it's always been, and maybe I've been looking at things from the from angle, maybe I was never shattered to begin with. Just... more. More than I could hold in my two hands, more than I could embrace.

And yes, read embrace twice, cause it has a double meaning. I'm not worried about being anyone's burden but my own anymore. If people can't stand me they can leave, but if they can they can stay. I try not to push anyone away, but at the same time not inviting them in either. Always gotta have that middle ground. Oh, sudden dizzy spell... guess I might have had too much caffeine and too little of exactly everything else. Why bother.

I'm constantly shifting between being too warm and too cold, and I'm thinking that's not a good sign. It's been like that for days now. I forgot how hunger feels. Is it in your stomach or in your brain? I sometimes still get night cravings, but with no wish to do anything about them. Tomorrow, if I get to school I will eat, at least breakfast and possibly also lunch, but likely not if I can't get my ass to school. I never knew starvation could be so easy and eating could be so hard. It completely switched places and I'm not sure how or why. Could be a number of reasons.

I feel good today, like I'm on the right track, or onto something. The scent of something great has reached my nose and I took a good whiff. Still suicidal, always that way. Can suicidal people have good days? I guess everything is possible.

I can't focus on anything else, my mind is on a track now. I could blame my slight case of tunnel vision on my rather extreme starvation, it won't get better than this, most likely just worse. And I'm still pondering over seeing my family over the autumn holiday week 44. I think I need to see them but I don't want them seeing my eating disorder. It's both for selfish reasons and because I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to be inconvenient, I don't want to be force fed. So that's why I'm hesitating, might change my mind a few more times.

I'm listening to Blutengel and try to really feel the music. It's always and never hard to find the right song to chill my bones. It reminds me that the only German song I can sing along with is their song called "Über den horizont". Verses and chorus. Of course my pronunciation is likely a bit or completely off, but I think it's easy to find the rhythm. Will always love that language. Never quite sure why I picked French instead in elementary school. Everyone else picked Spanish but I never really liked that language. I hardly learned any French cause I skipped class and hated the teacher.

Language has always been interesting to me. Despite being half a misanthrope I really live for communication, or find it important enough to hang onto. That's why I learned English so well, as it's like the universal language and it just felt important somehow. To know it and to master it. Become fluent, trace it back to my heart.

Okay I thought me not feeling too warm or too cold for a few minutes meant switching back to cold but now I'm getting too warm again instead. Constantly switching between warm and cold drinks in slight attempts to control it, but mostly just accepting it. It will pass, that too. And now my heart starts racing for no apparent reason again. Low blood sugar, dehydration, general malnutrition, too much caffeine, some or all of it.

I'm chain smoking, thinking I don't do anything else than lighting up new cigarettes. I think about school, and wonder how everyone's been for these two days I've been at home. I hope that the day I'll collapse won't be at school, for their sake. I can take it, I'm counting on it to happen sooner or later, but what have they done to be scared like that? I'm the one who should be scared but I'm not. And I know I won't be. I'm thinking it will likely happen at school though, cause that's the only place I would restrain myself beyond the breaking point.

I'm not sure exactly what my breaking point is, but I'm thinking it will take a lot for my body to crumble. I just don't know what a lot is. It's only been a few weeks and I'm thinking ahead, but I don't know, I just like doing that. To prepare myself perhaps. Everyone needs a little bit of preparation sometimes. Oh, but perhaps the only good thing about me fasting is that I'm not purging? Define "good" for me then.

Everything is relative though, but it depends what you compare it to and in what situation. Also, in which angle you look at it from. I've said all I can say about that.

I feel my words are coming to an end. I've felt so much today and I just need to stuff those feelings away for a little while, let them rest. I'll bring them back again another day. But I know when it's time to take a pause in things and stop reflecting for a little while. I can't take deep breaths again, damn cigarettes. So not a good time for a walk as breathing usually is good when walking. So, until next time.