The reality

57,8 kg this afternoon! I'm under 58, yay! Doubt I'll be on 57 flat by tomorrow morning, but yeah. Only 14 kg left to go then... I always keep updating my signature on the ED forum with my stats and right now I felt pretty good changing my current weight stat from 130 to 127 pounds. So close to my next goal weight, which is 125 pounds. I always count in both kg and pounds on that site so that it will be understandable for both me and the rest of the populations there.

So I've got exactly 30 pounds to lose, to get down to 97. It's interesting that so many on that forum are the same height as me (5'6" or 168 cm) and how different our goal weights can be. It's a very common height for women so mostly I compare myself with them. The few other men on that forum are all much taller than me it seems. I mean, I do think it's better to compare myself to a 5'6" tall woman than a 6'2" man when it comes to my weight. I'm not exactly rocking a muscular frame anyway, so.

I mean, obviously the best would be comparing myself to other transguys on hormones, my age, my height and my current weight, but what are the odds on even finding such a person? Especially since my weight always tends to fluctuate a lot too. But I know, I know, I shouldn't really compare myself to anyone, but I think it's both fun and interesting so why not?

Worth mentioning by the way, is that I haven't had a bm in days and I'm still under 58 kg, which means I could technically actually be on 57,5 or even less. My underwear are starting to sit loose over my stomach (I pull them up high, okay) which is such a confidence boost. I also have a pair of brown jeans that were too small 5 kg ago which I have no doubt will fit me now. Just saw them on my bedroom floor earlier today and the thought struck me that I should try them on.

Last fasting day now so we'll see how that goes. Gonna buy so much food today that I'm not gonna be allowed to touch before tomorrow... that's a challenge too. I'm gonna buy eggs, mushrooms, tuna, other kind of fish, rice, meat soup, lettuce and cucumber. That bag of rice I had up until about a week ago lasted me for over one and a half year. I sure eat rice very, very seldom. It's such a bother to cook and I never can get it right. Always add too little water for some reason.

I feel fine today so far, a little cold and my heart keeps bouncing around, but otherwise nothing to complain about. Okay, not just a little cold, I'm shivering and my hands are like blocks of ice. But too lazy to fetch a blanket. I should bleach my fringe a bit today, re-dye my beard in either black or dark brown (can't make up my mind), shave and take a shower. All and everything at once...

I tend to do that kind of stuff on Sundays, but since I skipped school today, I could wait one more day, but today it has to be done, at least the last two things, and that including washing my now more than just greasy hair. I'm thinking that when I get too thin for my smallest jeans, first thing I'll do is just to wash them cause they're kinda stretched out now, before I go ahead and sew them tighter.

I remember last year I couldn't wear them washed at a weight higher than 55 kg. So yeah, better not wash them before I'm at most 54 or 53 kg. Then maybe sew them tighter at 52 or 51 kg. Depending on how far I'll be able to go before Christmas I will either try to hide my weight loss from my parents and not wear those jeans, or just say fuck it and wear whatever the heck I want. If the weight loss will be too obvious, I mean.

I mean, if I get down to 53 kg or less, I will have lost over 10 kg and that is gonna show. No matter how many baggy pants and hoodies I wear. It would show in my face, the only place I can't hide. So by then it would be pointless.

I realised that despite everything, I'm actually not ashamed of my weight. I'm on the contrary rather proud of what I've achieved. I've put so much work into it, why should I be ashamed? And I'm not fat anymore, not technically. I may be feeling fat, but that's another thing. If I weighed more than... say, 70 kg, then yeah I would be ashamed but now I'm looking at less than 60 and that's good.

So, if I by Christmas get asked about my current weight and it's less than 53 kg I wouldn't lie about it. I like shocking people with the truth, at least sometimes. Only times I'm ashamed though, is when I've gained weight. Only reason I'm not putting it out there on tumblr and such is because I know many others with ED's are following me and I don't want to trigger them with too many numbers. So I try to keep it not so triggering, what I write there.

After all, I do want my blog to be a safe place or at least safe enough to not be taken down. I don't want it to appear as a pro-ana blog. Because I'm not pro-ana and I want for people to know that I know this is an illness and not a diet or a lifestyle. That I know this is real shit and not something to take pride in. So yeah, I might appear happy over losing weight or so when I do, but I'm also in awful distress over the whole situation because this is slowly killing me. Not just my body, but my hopes and dreams too.