Losing ground

56,2 kg. Gah, it's going way too slowly I can't stand it! Not only did I gain 3 kg for no reason, now I can't lose it either?! I'm shutting off, just ceasing to exist. I'm sooo beyond tired of this. It's like it doesn't affect me that much anymore. When I stepped on the scale and saw that number, I just sighed and then stepped off. There's absolutely nothing I can do. I don't have the patience but have to give it time, I can't drink water yet that's what I should do. Locked and lost, nothing spins in my head anymore.

And all my feelings blow away. They leave me empty and hollow. I can hear it echo when I scream inside. I have to breathe but I can't find any peace. I'm cold, but I don't care. Let my limbs freeze until they fall off. I wish that I could disappear, unzip my skin and leave it here. Memories I never thought would fade, they fade and blow away.

And the scars on my heart become so vulnerable. I can't reach out, reach the surface. I can't hold on. And silence is my friend, on what else can I depend? Clutching at straws, but still drowning, I'm clutching at straws. Inhale the toxic smoke and pretend that it's air, every breath, every second, every thought. I crumble beneath the pain, I crumble beneath, I crumble.

For a massive, unsustainable weight loss, I cry so hard but no tears are coming. My soul is on fire, burning out. And even if I screamed, no one would hear me shout. All for the sake of a number, three digits and my heart turns into stone. Can't wish it all away, can't wash it all away. And I ask my shadow please, please stay.

All the thoughts cramming in my head. A strong wish to just go back to bed, and stay there until I'm dead. Like fever of the mind, all the reasons I couldn't find, it makes me suffer, makes me blind. Dying at a healthy weight, I fell for the bait and couldn't slow down or hesitate. And I fall, once again and once and for all.

Ice cold hands and fingers, stuck in an emotion that always lingers. Scared of not falling apart, that there's nothing wrong with my heart. I never knew where to stop or start. And I'm broken, ever changing and just waiting to be awoken. Wake me up I cannot see, that this nightmare isn't really me. Let me step aside, I no longer want to hide. But I'm cut open by the shards again, and I never know how where or when. And it's happening all over again.

I'm frozen to the core, past the point of not being able to take it anymore. Lost in riddles and rhymes I know, that all that I am can be on show. But little is there to know. I'm drowning in my thoughts again and I can't tell, when was the last tear that fell. Sweet dreams are made of these, I never knew how to my own body please. I fell for this disorder, but couldn't cross the border. Suffering through every single night, how can I still hide in plain sight.