They can't both be true

I actually like it when my heart flutters like that. I find it comforting somehow. Like, it's still there, you know? Maybe I sometimes need to be reminded that I even have a physical heart. Cause it feels so empty in my chest most of the time, like a thick silence and nothing more. And also I need to be reminded of that I'm in fact a mortal cause I literally don't always believe that. Not truly. It's one of my delusions, I presume. Cause it can't be real, can it?

That's the thing about delusions, you often tend to believe in them. I don't want to be immortal though. It's more of a half constant fear. Like what if I can't die? What if I'm stuck here forever? And it can cause great anxiety before I manage to get back down to reality again. I've even had near death experiences, I should know that death is a fact and will happen, sooner or later. But I'm just so scared that I'll keep living a miserable life and keep trying to kill myself until I'm literally 293 years old. It scares the living crap out of me.

And it's so illogical and unrealistic cause human bodies can't last forever no matter what. Right...? See I'm half stuck in my belief, half trying to reason my way out of it but I never fully succeed. I know it's a delusion at the same time as I doubt. It makes absolutely zero sense, even to me, but perhaps more so to others. It would have been a great delusion if I had actually wanted to live. After all these suicide attempts... it's like I keep thinking what if I never ever succeed?

It is indeed a real fear and not something I just say. I truly do fear that I will live forever. It's a horrible, horrible nightmare and I just get so stuck in my own warped brain there's no getting out of it. I can't reason my way to a sanity I've never had. That is exactly as far as being my own shrink can take me, not even one step further. Cause I've been ranting the same circus over and over for god knows how many years now.

I don't know when this fear popped up in my head, but it could have something as simple as watching the movies about Highlander, which I don't really remember but it was about some dude or some dudes that were immortal and how miserable at least one of them were about it. I remember one scene though, about his girlfriend dying of old age when they had been together for a whole life and he still looked like he was in his 30's or so.

Maybe that freaked me out for life, maybe the thought had already come to me before then. I wasn't old when I saw those movies, at most 12-13 years old is my wild guess. Ultimately... life and being alive scares me way more than dying ever did. I have only in short periods of my life been afraid of dying and the most recent was a from a few years ago to a few days ago. I want death, I crave death like some kind of obsession and just the thought of never ever getting to experience death and leave life forever behind me scares me into nightmares that I can't wake up from.

But the funny thing is that this fear that causes so much anxiety actually clashes with my prophecy. They can't both be true. So, the question is: which one do I believe in the most? I don't have an answer, only the future and reaching it can answer for me. If I die before I turn 28, the prophecy is true. If I'm still around at age 293, then my believed immortality is true. Me and my god damned extremes... just saying.