Enjoying my small progress

Y, I've realised quite long ago that I might be triggering you in some way by how I write/talk about my eating disorder issues, and I want you to know that I've never done that purpose, and my only explanation is that I simply need to vent all that crap. I have no actual person to really share those thoughts with, no one one who wouldn't try to force me to recover. I'm pretty sure you understand I mean no harm, but it's just that it's been gnawing on my conscience for a long time now and I just want to make sure. And if I have been triggering you, I really am sorry about it. I hope you pull through though, or that it gets easier to live with at least. Cause I know what a hell this is, but I probably couldn't stop even if I wanted to.

I was at 57,2 kg just before I got into the shower, I can actually say that I weight 57 kg now! Feels good and I'm going in the right direction. I can see my ribs a little bit more and my thigh gap is almost a full inch wide now. Damn fuck, I broke through the sleeping pills' effect. Now what? I feel like purging, how do I just not eat and purge? By telling myself I can do it. Just stay calm, have that 8th caffeinated drink for today. Think about something else, like that short story.

And I still aspire to have a full anorexia diagnosis one day, how sick isn't that? All I need to do is starving myself to 49 kg. That's like... 8 kg to lose. But I've been thinking more positively today about myself and such. Like if I can get down to 55 by Tuesday (I can if I only fast until then) I won't have that much left until I reach my lowest weight again. And this time I'm going to get past it too.

I feel confident and strong today, like my goal weight really is possible to reach and that soon. I've already lost 6 kg in less than a month. And even if I'd only lose 5 kg a month from here on that would work too. I both do and do not look forward to scaring the living crap out my family members with my thinness by Christmas. I hope to at least be in 40's weight wise by then, and yes that includes being at 49,9 kg. Although I would love it if I only weighed 44 kg.

I would be so light that people could literally carry me around. Such an amazing thought, really. I sometimes do miss being carried around. Last time that happened was when I was with R. Even though he was younger than me, he was both significantly bigger and stronger. I weighed about 60-63 kg by then. But now... without a romantic partner who is bigger and stronger than me, the only time I can imagine being carried is if I'm literally too thin and malnourished to be able to transport myself to where I need to be.

Would I smile? If they one day give me the anorexia diagnosis. See it as a horrible triumph of sorts? It sickens me that I even have these thoughts. The only difference that diagnosis would make is that instead of being normal weight and completely miserable, I'd be extremely underweight and completely miserable. In my mind I already have anorexia, it's what I think, feel and do.

But I'm not trying to get extremely underweight for the sake of a stupid diagnosis, no far fom it. I have my other reasons. To not hate myself, to hate myself a little less, cause I find comfort in seeing my bones poke out, because feeling fat is so horrible I literally can't stand it, because I want to look good in good looking clothes, cause I want to look fragile, because thinness is beauty to me (and so is every other way you can be it only depends on the person), because I want to be tiny and the smallest one in my family. And that's just a handful of all my millions of reasons.

But mostly it's just an obsession, an illness taking over me. I got addicted to losing weight and I don't want to stop, not before I've gotten down to 44 kg, at least. But at that point I'd likely continue to lose weight, just slower cause weight loss always gets slower the less you weight. At that time though, I think I would focus more on dying and less on losing weight.

I'm determined as fuck and I will pull this through. One way or another I'm gonna beat the fucking odds and lose 15 kg in 3 months, or sooner. Ah, finally. Natural tiredness comes along and I might be able to go to sleep soon. And I'll go to sleep feeling my bones to calm me down. It's almost a little freakish, that when I'm fasting and my stomach is empty, when I suck in my stomach there's just nothing there, it gets so very concave. I like it a lot, but it's still a little freaky.

I'm trying to see the positive, although also weird, things that I notice on the way through this hell. But I won't exactly get to the point where I could use myself as an example for body positivism. But I think it's possible, that I could hate myself a little less. Maybe even just hating on certain body parts rather than the whole deal of attached body parts.

I really do think that's possible. But I'm gonna rant forever if I don't post this now, so see ya around or something.