Dying too fast, maybe

Scared to tell you, scared that you'd do something if I really tell you what's going on with me and my ever so present eating disorder. How sudden I could just die. I do not know for sure. I've been trying for hours after hours to finish a blog entry but it never becomes... publishable.

And I'd better hurry up and write those final suicide letters cause you never know, now you never know. Will I even make it to my ugw? I just purged for the second time today and so far I haven't been that cold at all, but now I'm suddenly freezing. My throat hurts so bad.

I didn't know I was this suicidal, all I wanted was to collapse. I can't tell you more, I really can't. Maybe if you've been where I'm standing right now, you'll figure it out, and if not... then that's me considering myself protected. Soon I can't feel my hands cause they're so cold. Another cigarette for another life shattered.

I never knew I could harm myself so badly with something as simple and harmless as food. Oh boy if anyone irl would finds out... it's better if they won't. I find myself listening to "If I die tomorrow" by Motley Crue and suddenly it all feels so real. Do I still think I'm immortal? Just testing my body's limits? What's become of me...

I cannot understand what I'm doing to myself, I need to slow this down. It's not my time yet, but what could possibly happen if I somehow do die before my time? How can I know, if that's even possible. I have to turn 27 and at this rate, I likely won't. So yes, this is me slowing down, taking it a tad more careful, maybe focus more on losing weight than causing myself extreme harm that I may not be able to recover from.

It doesn't scare me, but it confuses me and I don't understand what I'm doing. People like me should be on a damn leash, cause if I'm left unattended for 5 minutes I'll do something self destructive that may or may not have serious consequences. Now I'll just take my meds and eat something that I won't purge, just in case my meds need some food to work.

And I'm sorry for being such a mess, for not being able to take care of myself properly or at all. But you know me, I've always been that way, more or less. Now I've eaten for 3 days and I feel like complete and utter shit. And gotta keep snacking now cause I took Imovane and its taste is so horrible I have to constantly have something in my mouth. Wow, boiled egg with mayonnaise was amazing, 170 calories though. And now my meds kick in, so time for bed.