Dizzying numbers

I woke up feeling so horrible this morning. Dizzy, nauseous, extreme headache, felt like I was gonna puke involuntarily. Had to go back to sleep. My scale was stupid showing 57,7 kg and I'm just not accepting that I gained half a kilo on virtually nothing. Can't be real weight, but it still upsets me. I'm still very tired, but not feeling sick at least. My guess is that it was dehydration, but I'm not sure, cause I didn't fix the problem, just fell asleep on the couch.

Okay my heart is more crazy than usual today. Don't think it likes me fasting and drinking so much coffee. I can't listen to music on the highest volume for the first time in months. I can only listen to calm music too. I'm so weak, can barely even walk to my kitchen to fill up oat milk in my coffee. I went back to my short story, read it through and edited a little. I like it, but I don't know how to continue. Perhaps I need to wake up a little more first. Trying to drink coffee with artificial sweeteners again to keep the calorie count as low as possible. Though it's half disgusting going down and I hate the after taste.

I'm half not functioning today and feel like I could literally sleep forever. I actually managed to not eat anything yesterday and successfully entered day 2 of my fast. And I can't for the life of me figure out why I gained when I should have lost. The only thing I can think of is water retention because I really haven't been drinking enough water for a while now. It feels like I'm falling apart, one day at a time and that it won't get better than this, likely just worse.

But I'm dealing with my down fall, I'm not panicking or anything, just take it as it comes. I sleep a lot most days and try not to restrain myself, or I mean, I never restrain myself more than I simply have to. Like I have to be at school at least half the time or so and I have to buy my groceries almost every day. It's getting harder to walk or do anything, my body is under so much pressure right now I'm surprised I still haven't passed out from eating and purging like this.

I have no idea how this weekend is gonna progress, if I manage to fast it through, I mean. It's been a while since I've had what I would consider a long fast, which would be more than 2 consecutive days. Now I'm opting for at least 3 days, and at most 10 days but it will likely end up something in between. I tell myself I'm strong and I can do this, but I cannot know for how much longer. My heart is a mess, my head is even messier, half the time I can barely even move.

Still I fast, even knowing that it can quite possibly lead me to a hospital visit. If I'm this dehydrated and refuse to drink water, who knows what can happen? I do, I've been there before. I have collapsed from dehydration before, or at least I think that was it, and somehow managed to recover myself from it without any aid from a hospital. I don't even know if it was dehydration, but I hadn't drunk any water and barely anything else for 3 days. It was like half a glass during that whole time. Mostly though, I don't know why else I would collapse.

I've never put myself in this kind of danger before. Never pushed my body to its limits like this before. Not even last fall when I starved myself in a similar way. I had a problem with binging and would usually binge at least one, sometimes up to three days a week. Restrict or fast the remaining days. I did manage to lose 1 kg a week on that though, until binging/reactive eating completely took over. Then I maintained with the aid of purging almost everything I ate, then I gained from recovery.

So yeah, not even last fall I was this dangerous to myself. Back then I didn't have my purging as I thought I would never sink that low. Haha, funny how I could change my mind on that. Cause I should have known that no state of existing is too low for me. There's just no such thing. I'd do anything to lose weight, I'd do anything for achieving anything I want. If I want it bad enough, nothing can stop me.

So in that sense, I can get very, very dangerous to myself. I have no self preservation. All that means something to me is my goal and getting to it. That doesn't only apply to my eating disorder though, it applies to almost anything. My will power can become so incredibly strong that when I want something, I'm willing to go completely out of my way and everyone else's way and not even death can stop me. That applies to good things too, like when I stopped smoking in a week for my surgery, or how protective and caring I've been towards K and other people I love, or how I got better at drawing, or when I stopped cutting myself for my psycho ex, it could apply to literally everything.

I've never understood that will power, but in a way I kinda do. It's simply that I won't let nature or other people, or gods, or my mind or my body, stop me by any means. It's my world and my rules and I decide in it. If I say I'll do something that seems impossible, you could almost count on it that I'll succeed. It might take longer than for the average person, or 10 times faster, but I'll make it.

I believe that's what making me having an eating disorder so dangerous, my will power to change my body. That it's so incredibly strong and I'm basically unstoppable. Only death can stop me now, and I'm counting on that it will, eventually. I'm not impatient to die right now, I wouldn't be upset if I was to, but I'm more focused on losing weight than dying right now. I still see death as a sweet relief from it all, no matter which weight I'll die at. Cause just knowing that I've tried my best and more to become thin, and dying from an eating disorder, is almost as good as mission accomplished.

If I die before I reach my goal, that is. Cause then I'll know I did more than just tried, I pushed my body to the absolute breaking point. And sometimes I wonder: is it self hatred or obsession that motivates me? Have I just gotten stuck on a goal that I think I have to achieve no matter what just because? I do have my reasons, a lot of reasons for wanting to get thin, but sometimes they just feel like they're additional, if that makes any sense.

I lost my main reason, to simply look more like a guy than a girl. I don't really care, but I still hate my thighs and that's the body parts I mostly want to lose weight from. But I knew already from the start that it's impossible to target weight loss. And so seeing my bones and become emaciated became more important over time, I wanted to lose weight everywhere and not just on my thighs.

And I know that if or when I become emaciated enough, my huge thighs will have slimmed down significantly. I will lose my horrible pear shape eventually, if I just keep at it.

I'm on the verge of a breakdown, I can feel it. So many things going through my mind, I can't share them, rather keep those things to myself, for now at least. It's better that way too. I'm so very tired, despite having slept for 13 hours or so and having had 2 cups of coffee. I feel so weak. Like it's hard to just sit up straight and take in any kind of information at all.

Okay... my crazy scale just said I'm only weighing 55,2 kg right now. Should I believe in it? I just peed out probably a kilo, but how can I have lost 2,5 kg in just a few hours?! I knew there had to be something weird about my morning weight though, that it was way to high, but which is more likely? That I gained half a kilo from yesterday morning or that I lost 2 kg from then? I guess I'll just have to wait and see, how much I'll weigh tomorrow and such. And in pounds, could I have gone from 126 to 121 in less than a day? Okay, I can't let that go right now.

I've heard of that it's possible your weight can fluctuate up to, if it was 5 pounds or 5 kg a day, must have been pounds, so in that sense it can be possible, I guess. Or I just finally got rid of my water retention or water weight just like that. Let's hope for that and this is my real weight. I don't look any different though, my stomach still isn't flat, my thighs are still huge, and so on.

I do still wonder when people will actually start noticing my weight loss. If I will have lost 10 kg by the end of the month, they should be able to notice it, right? Don't know what would be wrong with them otherwise. I'm looking at old photos that I took of myself when I weighed 53 kg last year, which is my lowest weight. I hope to take new such progress pictures at 50 or 49 kg when I get there, then again at 44 or 45 kg. 

I'm not even cold today and I have no idea why. Maybe it's just been warmer weather today or something. I miss the coldness but it's still nice to be warm. I usually like being cold because I feel like I'm doing "right" then, but now since I'm fasting I'm just thinking it's very weird that I'm not cold. I'm just hella confused. I'm so hyped to update my signature on the ED forum again, but know I should wait. Or I might have to change it to a higher weight later on and that wouldn't feel good. If this weight is just a tad too optimistic, that is.

I'm so impatient and I feel so close to my lowest weight now, possibly only 2 more kg to go. Cause then, I'm also just 3 kg away from underweight, which is amazing if that's true. It left me with a lot to think about and reflect over, if this is real, that I weight 55,2 kg already, and how much faster I could potentially lose weight now. Just think about it, what if I do fast for 10 days? And have I really lost 8 kg in a little more than 3 weeks? That's almost a new record in fast weight loss for me. I think that if this weight is real I could very likely get down to 53 kg by the end of the month.

I have exactly one week. For some reason I lose much more weight when fasting this fall than I did the last. Maybe somehow miraculously my metabolism is better this time around? I don't remember how many calories of liquids I used to allow myself on fasting days last year though. Could check, cause I have it written down though.

Sorry for all the weight rambling if I bore you, but it just got me really excited. If I can lose 10 kg in a month, I could be on my ugw already in the end of next month, and how surreal isn't that? Haha, just thought of the beginning of my relapse, that back then I thought I was just gonna take it slow, nice and easy to 55 kg by Christmas. Haha. As if I had that kind of patience. Now, reaching that goal already in October...

Yep, I'm so gonna freak out my family if I weigh 44 kg or less by Christmas. It's like, I can plan and do things up until that holiday, but I really don't know what to do during it. I'll tell my mother on the phone or something about my relapse by the mid of December or so if she still hasn't figured it out by then. Just as a fair warning and then maybe we could even figure something out, on what to do with the not so ready to recover me over the holiday.

I won't just gorge on everything like I did last year, I really am afraid that if I start eating I won't be able to stop. And I'm thinking that anorexia diagnosis could happen sometime in November or early December, at latest in January. Cause I'll keep seeing my psychologist as long as she still wants to see me. And she will probably notice my extreme weight loss if or when I get to below 49 kg. Then she'd send me back to the eating disorder team where they'll weigh me and realise I have an anorexic BMI and I'll get that diagnosis and continue to refuse recovery. At least that's what I think will happen.

So not looking forward to having doctors and shrinks poking and prodding my weight and eating habits again, so I'll try to just get whatever diagnosis and then slither my way out of it as quick as I can. Still scared that maybe they can force me to recover somehow, if I get bad enough, or to a weight low enough. And I'm also taking a chance with my shrink possibly not wanting to see me anymore if she thinks she can't help me cause I'm just too eating disordered, too anorexic and refusing to get better. Then why see her?

For comfort, support and because I like her. Why shouldn't that be enough? I don't want to see a dietitian again, and I definitely don't want anything to do with that other person in the eating disorder team that I saw last winter throughout the spring and some of the summer. I hated her guts and just smiled politely every damn meeting I had with her. I'll decline, refuse and if I lose my shrink in the process, so be it. It's been a good couple of years and I'll take all the advice she's given me with me. But all good things come to an end, it's always been that way.

I don't know what the future will bring, or even if I could go to my meeting with my shrink on Friday if I'm still fasting by then. Perhaps have something small like a salad or a protein drink right before. Just to lessen the risk of me passing out. I don't want to go visit my family anymore. My eating disorder won the bet and I'm staying at home, fasting, or trying to. I'll see them by Christmas instead. It will be hard, still missing the cats, but I'll manage. I do see my mother at least once a week and hear from her every day, so it's not like I'm completely separated from them anyway.

But this might be a new low, staying at home to starve because I don't want to be forced to eat if visiting them. Like I just know I'd have to eat if I go there. I'm opting for being emaciated by Christmas. I can do it, I know I can. Not that I have a precise weight for what emaciated is though, I probably won't be able to see it myself, but others might, and I might have to rely more on their words than my own by then.

Today I'm all eating disorder and I feel confident, impatient, like I'll actually be able to reach my goal this time, more tired than usual, weaker than usual, but better in my mind. Like I don't feel so sad today, almost a little cheerful. But planning weight loss to a certain date is not that easy, I have literally no idea what I could be weighing by the end of this year. If I get past my ugw or not even to it. If I have a new even lower ugw. Then I might set it to 40 kg, or 38. 38 kg is almost 84 pounds. That number has been spinning in my head lately but I don't know if I want to get to a weight that low or not. It all depends on how fat I'll feel at 44 kg.

But I have to get there first before I actually start setting new goal weights. All these numbers make me dizzy, or it's because I'm starving, I'm not sure. However I really should end this entry before it gets too long for me to handle.