Reach out to me

What have I become, my sweetest friend? That last energy drink is hard to wash down. It sticks like glue and makes me feel sick. 27 days and I don't feel like myself anymore. Where are you, and will I hear from you by the time of Christmas? I miss you so much, but I can't pick up the phone. I hope your life is good, I hope it's a lot better than mine.

Cause I always got the sensation that you somehow felt bad when your life was better than mine, I don't know why and I could be wrong. But if you did/do, I want you to know that I don't think you should feel bad for that at all. I'm happy for you, I truly am. You're like the only person I could ever be happy for. I think about you a lot, I miss the old days. You know what old days I'm thinking about. We used to laugh, even when we were miserable. I used to laugh, cause I had you by my side.

I miss all that we had, the good and the bad. Now I'm sitting here alone in my apartment, listening to sad music, chain smoking and starving myself to death. I don't know what I've become, I don't know who I am. I think I know too much. And that too much became everything became nothing. So ultimately, I know nothing. I often find myself writing to you here, not knowing if you ever read what I say.

Maybe you're still working too much and studying at the same time. You have your life, I understand. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to get educated, get an income, have a rent you have to pay for with own money and all that stuff. By my terms you're doing great, but understand it must be hard. We live in different worlds now, and you're so painfully far away.

Everyone is, but mostly you. I don't know if I any longer regret moving here, but I do regret not staying there. Maybe it would have gotten better for me in Uppsala if only I had given it more time, waited it out. Or maybe it would never have gotten better. How can I know. All I know is that I'm in a much safer place now. It's degrading and demanding too much of me, but I'm safer.

And maybe I always hated safety. Demanded to be able to drift away as much as I wanted to, demanded the danger. Now I'm safer whether I like it or not, but still suicidal, painfully lonely and so very lost within. I still torture myself cause I know no other way to live. I don't know what I want with this message, I don't know anything anymore.