As if I was human

I never judged your kind, all I said was that we're not the same. That is me not recognising that part of myself in you at all. I don't believe that we've walked the same path or come from the same place. We might be similar, yes, but there's a difference. Can't you see it? I likely would not have abandoned you if I had felt anything. The darkness we both feel is not what we are made up of, there's something missing. Something crucial. I recognise myself in people all the time, human or not, but it doesn't mean anything. Or, it does mean something but I've never found what I've been searching for. It's the very essence of me, don't you think I'd recognise it if I saw it in someone else? What I've been looking for forever? I can't keep doing this, I must move on, but it's like I just can't. Though, somehow it glads me that you still bother reading all the shit I spew out here. Not many people care about me the way you do, not anymore. But don't be confused, I still stand by my words, I still want to be alone.

*

My back is still hurting, now almost non stop. I have no idea what's going on, except from possibly just bad posture and a whole lot of tension. I know that my pain tolerance is higher than what's the usual, so it could be bad, but whatever.

Oh my god I feel awful as I just burst out laughing at someone on the ED forum failing the ABC diet on their first day. Of bloody course I didn't say anything though, just kept that sudden outburst to myself. But damn, do I really think that highly of myself? That I'm somehow better because they failed and I most likely won't?

The competition is strong on that forum. I noticed as I linger more on the anorexia sub-forum how I compete with them. Wanting to be thin like them, mostly. I do realise my eating disorder is much like anorexia again, that if I was much thinner I'd have anorexia with a binge/purge subtype. I'd be okay with that diagnosis, if it meant I was thin and getting thinner. Like maybe in a few months if I can manage to keep the binges far between and not purge that extremely much.

If anorexia would almost be like a goal, I guess I really am fucked up. Especially since I don't have any other goals left. Here it is: all I want is to get thin enough to disappear and I don't care about the consequences. Fuck I miss you so much! It hurts and rips and tears. And then you finally sent me a message, I thought you never would. I thought you had given up on me. I'm glad that somehow, I might still matter to you. All is not lost, after all.

It's like, it's been a few months now, I'm learning how to live with my broken heart. And it was never your fault. It never was. Someday I'll have to tell you, I know I do. Cause it just doesn't feel right to keep you in the dark about why my world yet again shattered, but I have a feeling that you know. Or that you might at least suspect it. You know I had feelings for you, and you've also seen my endless posts about my breaking heart.

To me now, it's like your every message could be the last to me and my every message could be the last to you. I don't know why, but I just have this gut feeling that it won't last. Maybe death will tear us apart, yours or mine. I can't hold on for you any longer, it just doesn't work that way.

I change music for something more intense, something I haven't nagged for weeks at an end. I ended up with "Blow away" by Staind. "I wish that I could disappear, unzip my skin and leave it here"... amazing song. I'm cold, but I don't want to heat up. I just want... no there's no reason for me to utter it cause that will never happen. My emptiness echoes and slams within me. Disturbed, undisturbed, forever chasing away. I feel so lost, without you. And I feel even more lost when you're near. What does that mean? What does it even mean?

I'm just trapped in the shadows, they glisten coldly. I just can't live like this, I can't go on. I break if I'm alone, I shatter in company of others, and I bleed when I talk to you. I want nothing else than to be with you, but knowing that I can't be just hurts too fucking much. But I'll hold on to you, I'll hold on so fucking tightly cause I just can't ever let go again. Afraid to lose you, the only person I really cannot live without.

I breathe, but every breath is shallow. My heart beats for nothing. It explodes and shatters in every single beat nowadays, I'm used to the pain. It's like I know nothing else. For ten years, for literally ten years, I've felt the strings of my heart pull too tightly with every heartbreak. I can't take it anymore. It's just too real. How I'm gonna stand it these last few months I don't know. Bit by bit, hour by hour.