Never stop looking

Another random transguy posted on tumblr that he thought he would never find love because he thinks he's ugly. And I just realised that I don't think I'll find love either, but not because I'm trans. I know lots of transguys who found one wonderful partner after the other, or found their perfect soulmate.

So it's not that, it's everything else. That which goes on under the surface rather than what's on it. Me being trans would kinda only be a problem for those bothered by my looks. Those bothered by the fact that I don't have a dick, those bothered by the scars on my chest.

Everything else is typically male about me, and I have no doubt that I could potentially get a gay man or a straight woman on the hook, if they're open minded enough and never find out about my darkness. But that is the problem, because even though it's internal, it's everywhere. Sometimes I wish that being trans was the only thing being a burden to me, that I was normal in every other aspect, or I wish that more people were able to accept my darkness.

Because everything that is a burden to me about myself, would also be a burden to a potential partner. I'm sure that if I was completely fine with who I am, dating would be a lot easier. If I wasn't so eating disordered, sad, anxiety ridden, traumatised, suicidal or so filled with self hatred. I think that is what's mainly stopping me: my inability to love or even just accept myself. And my refusal to get better.

But yeah, dating, I which it was easier. I wish I could find another broken soul that wouldn't mind either my darkness or me being trans. Someone like K. There are many reasons why I can't let him go, and that's one. Cause he would accept me, he wouldn't reject me for any of those reasons, but perhaps he'd not like me giving up so much, but hoping I don't say too much, he's kinda prone to giving up himself quite a lot too. We have that in common, and it feels like he's the only one that understands me when we're both in that given-up kinda state.

I do see him as my ideal partner still, and looking anywhere elsewhere would be lowering the bar significantly. Anyone else would be second choice. But still, I do want a second choice, and someone to be worthy enough to get that kind of position. I'm not actively looking, but merely keeping an eye open while my other eye is constantly fixed on K.

But will I ever find that second choice? And if I do, would it be right or wrong to tell them that they are my second choice? I mean, like what if they would go through my blog or something? They'd know they're not my number one, and I'd like to avoid all kinds of jealousy in a possible relationship. I'd want to be honest, as honest as I possibly could be. Because I want a genuine relationship, something that could possibly even last until my death.

Yes, I would hurt that potential partner tremendously by killing myself, but as selfish as I am, I'd rather have that than to die completely alone. And to know that someone out there loves and cares about me on that level, I think that could make my miserable life a little less miserable, if only I just had someone to hold. It wouldn't cure me, far from it, but it could comfort me. I'd take what I could get, and give what I could give. The last remaining pieces of my broken heart, to that person, if I find a good one.

And more of course, but I'm too newly awaken right now to be able to think of anything more specific. But of course I'd give too, everything I can, if I find something worth investing in. And right now, sadly I think almost anyone would do, as long as they can accept me and love me for who I am. And if they can, I know my heart will follow.

I know time's running out, I don't have all eternity finding such a person, but I do try to look. I don't want to find someone online, I think I've had enough bad luck with that by now, but I look anywhere on Gotland. I know, that place isn't very big and basically the only places I go is school and psychiatry related. And I can't just start freak dating around like some other kind of maniac, I have to take it slow and carefully, mostly to not get hurt again.

I'm not gonna make it a crazy chase, try to do it normally instead, like normal people do, all things considered. But yeah, get to know them first and then slowly escalate if that feels right. I hardly know a daft about dating or how that actually works, but I'm willing to give it a try at least.

I don't think I'm impossible to love, hardly, I've had so many people having crushes on me, even stalkers in my past. My first and last boyfriends were mildly stalking me before we got together. They both loved me very much. And I've declined so many different invitations, and accepted even more. People do like me, even though I have my darkness and my transsexualism. The hardest thing is to find someone close enough, that I could see as a possibility.

I think I could be hard to put up with in the long run though. I'm terrible at relationships and I've only been in 2, or 2 and a half since my first one when I was 18 years old. I don't know what happens, but usually communication is at a fault. I always praise and preach that communication is oh so important, but then fail at my own task. I stop talking about myself, stop sharing, keep myself mentally locked up and can't form words eventually. They were rather long, those 2 relationships, 9 months and then almost 10 months. So it happens gradually over time until we just sit there, both quiet, not knowing how to break the ice.

I hope to change that. I want to find someone I can be completely open with, or almost completely. Damn, I just want to find someone like K... but still, I will always, always have to settle for less. Because everyone is less than him, no one can ever be better, or even in the same league. League? In a way that word never really fits when I think about K. It's like we're in the same league, and that's one thing that makes him so perfect in my eyes. He's not a saint or an angel God sent, he's more like me. Just another damaged person, neither good nor bad. Yet I think of him as much better than me, that I'm the one not worthy. I guess it's a bit of a paradox.

But I'll have to get ready for school now so I can't continue this. I might when I get back home again, but I might also not. Perhaps I've said what I needed to say and just can't stop ranting. However, this entry has to end this way, gotta have time to go through it once as well.