54,1 kg this morning. It's still going in the right direction and I lost another 0,6 kg from yesterday morning. Successfully entering day 4 of my fast as well, as I managed yesterday without eating anything. I made it through the entire weekend! Don't know what's wrong with me though, my symptoms have lessened since I started fasting this time around. Less headaches, not as cold, not as dizzy or nauseous. It confuses me cause I should be getting worse when I stop eating entirely, not better?
I've officially lost 9 kg in 26 days. Think I can make it past 10 kg by the end of the month. After all I've got 5 days, and 4 of those I will be fasting. I just feel so damn accomplished and proud over myself for this extreme weight loss in such a short time. And me already being at a fairly low weight, I had no idea I could still lose so fast. It must be rare to be able to lose 2,25 kg every week for almost 4 weeks straight, with a starting weight of 63 kg.
And I've wondered if anyone on even the ED forum would be worried about my weight loss, because it's been so much in such a short time, but if they would even notice I'm pretty sure they would be more jealous and happy for me than worried. I'm not yet underweight, so I don't think they would worry too much. But so far I've gotten no comments about it there, despite talking about it all the time and always keeping my signature updated with my stats.
And I can't help but laugh a little, perhaps giggle, when I see posts there from other people asking if they can lose anything from 10 to 20 pounds in a month and in my head I'm like "yeah sure you can do it, I did it" but then I remain silent cause I don't want to trigger them. I don't want anyone taking after my disastrous eating habits. No matter if they already have an eating disorder or not.
Cause even most anorexics on that site are healthier and living safer lives than me. Perhaps not the ones doing 20+ days of water fasts until they end up in a hospital, but pretty much everyone else. Oh, and I actually found someone else with the same illogical delusion thingy as I have! That about believing I can only lose weight if I'm fasting. I posted about it in a thread there and that other person quoted me and agreed. They seemed to also eat in a similar way as I do, with lots of fasting and then eating up to 500 on non-fasting days. I wonder for how long they've done that and if they're half dying too.
I can't believe I'm so close to my ugw. I've only got 10 more kg to lose, having had 19 kg to lose at the beginning of my relapse. It's less than half of it left. I'll make it before Christmas, I'm sure I will, cause now I know I can fast again without eating and purging like crazy every single day. That I've got a shit load of self control if I just try hard enough. I won't purge for at least 1,5 weeks now, is the plan. And so far so good! I haven't even had the urge or wish to purge. Only wish to fasting and not eat anything at all. To replace my meals with coffee and energy drinks, and that one cup of chicken broth last night.
It's all I've had for the last 3 days and I feel fine, better than before actually. I'm confident I'll make it through this week and by the time I get back to school again next Monday, I'll be thinner and my tightest and smallest jeans will likely sit loose on me. I'll wash them then to make them tighter again and keep them washed at least once every other week too keep them tight on me. And when that no longer helps I'm gonna sew them in tighter again. At least that's the plan.
And once again I'll only have one pair of jeans to wear but to me that doesn't matter. I'll probably go clothes shopping anyway, in thrift stores (on my own, by myself) by the time I hit 49-50 kg. I would only wear tight clothes when my mother is not around in any context, as I want to hide my weight loss from her for as long as I possibly can. But she'll probably notice it soon enough.
As will the rest, whether I'm trying to hide it or not. Hiding can only take me so far, as I can't hide my face and weight loss apparently does show in my face although I was unaware of that until I was told, sometime last year. I mean, my uncle who doesn't see me very often could see that I had lost weight last Christmas despite me wearing layers of thick and bulky clothes all the way up to my neck. I swear the only parts of me showing was my head and my hands.
I wonder when I'll actually see weight loss in my face, when I'll see cheek bones instead of cheek fat. Maybe on my ugw, maybe lower, but I don't think I'm gonna see that before then. I will get to my ugw of 44 kg before I for sure decide if I want/need to go even lower. I probably and most likely will try to get down to 40 kg at least, as that's the exact half of my original weight and that number is therefore special to me. Then perhaps down to 38 kg if I still don't think 40 is enough.
But I'd stop it there in that case, cause 38 kg is pretty fucking low and would give me a BMI of just 13,5. I would barely be able to stand on my own legs if I get that low. I'd be a skeleton in a wheelchair and that just seems way too impractical for me. Now I'm glad that my apartment actually does have some simple equipment that can aid in physical disability, such as an elevator if the 5 steps to my apartment would be impossible to get across. And inside my bathroom there are handles everywhere. The rooms are big enough to fit a wheelchair.
So it wouldn't be the end of the world if I do get into a situation like that, but I'd probably need even more care than I already do and I wouldn't like that part. So yeah, gonna try to avoid letting my eating disorder take me quite that far. A BMI of 13,5 is extremely low and considered real danger, so yeah. So I guess I'll stick to trying to get to 44 kg instead, as that seems a little less risky and me being incredibly strong, I think I wouldn't be too dysfunctional on that weight.
Everyone would hate it if I get that thin. It's like they don't even understand why I want to get to that point in the first place, or do they? I hardly think so, but you never know. I guess my mother will try to learn more about eating disorders and particularly anorexia at that point or before in an attempt to try to understand me better. I'd appreciate that a lot, but I still wouldn't want to change and recover. And I do still feel bad for hurting her, but it's nothing compared to how bad I'll feel about it when I've become that thin. Because fulfilling your parent's worst nightmare isn't exactly the most fun part.
But it's my goal that I just need so damn much no matter who the fuck I'm hurting on the way. It's my last fight, the last thing that matter something to me, excluding certain people. Cause I really have nothing else now. My eating disorder took away basically everything else and now I feel like just a shell that needs to get thinner. I've never been thin, never really really thin and I just need to know what it's like. I need to feel it, to be it, to experience everything about what having a severe eating disorder can be like. It's my fire and I just need it.
It is my fire and not eating is my gasoline. This is finally something I can do without any possible aid from outside. I'm not dependent on tools or other people, basically all I need to do is not eat, or eat very little. There's so much power in that, knowing it's a certain kind of harm that I can cause myself without needing access to anything at all. I'm creating something literally out of nothing. Time and patience are the only things I need.
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