But not scared enough

I just broke my 110 hours long fast with vegetable soup. I finally dared stepping on my scale and it showed me 61 kg. Not too bad considering. I mean, I had hoped for somewhere along the lines of 58 but at least it's less than 63. Oh shit I feel dizzy... maybe I ate that too quickly. I guess I'll just give it a few hours to land before I go shopping. Gotta give my body some time to adjust.

I just googled BMI 15 just to try and get an idea on how I could look on roughly that BMI. It's not thin enough... damn it. But I guess I'll just try to get to it first and then deal with the consequences if I still think I need to lose more weight. I'm still at a BMI of 21 so it's a long way to go. Would it even be possible to lose 17 kg in 6 months? And I know it just gets harder the lighter you get.

But it's October 4th and I'm officially starting the ABC diet. As I stated before, the first day is 500 calories. Then 500 again, then 300, then 400, then 100, 200 and 300 the last day of the first week. I know some people just see those numbers as maximum for each day but I'm gonna try to be as exact as I can be. And exercise or purge if I over eat. It's a 7 weeks and one day long diet, which means I can breathe out with a sigh of relief on November 23rd. And hopefully will have been able to stick to it and have lost some weight.

So, my starting weight is 61 kg or 134 lbs so we'll see how much I can lose on this crazy diet. It's only about calories so basically I can eat whatever I want during it as long as I keep it within the calorie limit, but I'm gonna try to do it as healthily as I possibly can. Lots of vegetables, lean meat and fibers, mainly. Also gonna try to cut down a little on the caffeine, mainly because having 55 calories cups of coffee 6 times a day is not gonna work. Especially on the days where the limit is 200 calories or less.

Wow, I've had my dreads in for 2,5 weeks already. They almost feel like a part of me now. Have to wash them/the roots of my own hair today. That was what I shouldn't forget. I really had to start eating today, I have so much to do that I need to function for. So I set a new record of 110 hours just before I had my soup. I'm feeling much better now, almost a bit energised even.

It feels like my ED has gotten a new kick start, with purging then fasting then starting a crazy low calorie diet as of today. I'll try to only purge if I over eat, or go above my calorie limit for the day, and not binge/purge every single day like I did before. Cause it's so addictive and compulsive like damn... I don't mind the danger of it this time, but I do mind how addictive it is and I just don't want to feel the need to do it several times a day.

Besides, it is a pretty horrible experience, much more than what can just be imagined. If you haven't done it, you just don't know how horrible it is. Cause it's nothing like puking after a night of heavy drinking or having eaten way too much or from being physically ill. It's damaging the soul. With that said I will still continue, just not as much as back in January/February when I did it 3 to 5 times a day, every single day. Now maybe... I don't know, at most a few times a week.

My main methods will still be restricting and fasting. Purging only if I binge or "binge" on what isn't technically an actual binge but too big a meal for me. Like if I do have that pizza or just lose control over my hunger. It will be my escape route that I'll take as seldom as I can. I know it's bad, I know it's a horrible thing to do. Not even on the ED forum they recommend it, but they sure do recommend decreasing calories and doing more exercise on a basically empty stomach so yeah. Purging must be so, so bad.

Although I hardly even understand half the danger about it, since my body just barely reacted to it back in February. I almost passed out at one point, but all my blood values were tip top and that's it.

And I'm sorry for last night's entry if I scared you, I just had to get it all out of me. I'm sorry.

I should try to take it slow and easy and I know I really shouldn't set such a low ultimate goal weight but it's just that I can't settle for less. No one except those on the forum and those reading this blog knows that I want to weigh 44 kg. It's just 97 lbs and after being on that forum for over a year, I know how low any weight under 100 lbs is, and how much everyone there wants to get below that weight.

There, I have to translate every kilo to pounds to be understood and it's almost starting to come naturally to me now. I keep mixing up kilos with pounds in real life and as a classmate told me about someone they knew who weighed 150 kg and I thought, oh it's not so bad, until I realised they said kilograms, not pounds.

Cause it wasn't all that long ago that I weighed 150 lbs which is 68 kg, but I've never ever been even remotely close to 150 kg. Thank god for that! I would likely have killed myself for less. Sometimes I still try to look back to how it was like to weigh 80 kg, or 176 lbs, and what is the difference from now? I feel much lighter, I don't feel quite as gross, my feet don't hurt as much at all anymore, I can sit/lie in positions I couldn't back then, I can walk around without feeling like I'm gonna pass out, I can wear skinny jeans, I get compliments for my weight which I didn't back then.

Here in Sweden having a 10-15 kg overweight is pretty much the most normal weight wise, or so I've heard. But I just hated it so much that I even risked getting an eating disorder just to lose that weight. I don't regret it even for a split second. If I could go back in time and not get an ED, I never would. Perhaps I do see it as a life experience and perhaps, even just perhaps, that's why I want to to tip the scale the other way around as well. That when the day I die I will have been in every weight category except from obese and morbidly obese. To have been overweight, normal weight and underweight.

Cause that's an experience I really want to have. I collect them, experiences, and preferably the negative and life changing ones. I want to experience all that crap an extremely underweight person typically is going through. And I do want to experience what it's like to live with an eating disorder to the absolute breaking point. At least to get down to a BMI of 15-16. Perhaps I won't be able to take it as far as into the single digits.

Depends on how long I get to live, and at what point recovery will happen. If it's gonna happen, what do I know, I might be able to escape that route, and die before I get to recover. I hope so, as I still want to take my ED with me to the grave. This relapse sure hit me hard, I've never felt so overcome by my ED before. Like it's really eating away at me, changing my thoughts and feelings until I can nothing but recognise myself.

I feel as though nothing can change my mind about this. Yes I'm scared for what my family and close friends would think if I do lose all the weight I want to lose, but somewhere in my twisted mind, I just don't think it's any of their/your business. This is the only way I can live right now, my broken heart led me back here for a reason. Because I wasn't done starving myself, wasn't done losing weight, wasn't done harming myself this way. I was never ready to recover. Perhaps it sucks, but at least now I know what I truly do feel about it.