Wind of change

The very first song I remember ever hearing... "Wind of change" by Scorpions. I was too little to walk when I first heard it on the radio. I must have been 2 years old. How can I remember such a thing? How is it even possible? I'm constantly shivering when I listen to it, now 24 years later. I do remember that day, sitting on the kitchen floor in the house where I grew up. It was summer and very bright. My parents fixing with something in the kitchen or just keeping an eye on me or my sister, if she was even born yet. It must have been the summer that she was born.

That could with all likelihood be my first memory ever from this life. My brain must be so unusual that lets me remember something from when I was so young. It saddens me, when I think about everything that happened from that very first memory to the second of here and now. 24 years have passed since then, 24 years so full of misery. Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was that young. Everything was better, before I could remember Dala. Before I knew anyone except from my family and some relatives. Before daycare, school, high school, before my life really started.

And isn't sad that those very first few memories are the only ones I sometimes long back to? Of course I have other very good memories, especially together with my best friend about 10 years later and forward, but never any so... peaceful and content. The world through the eyes of a small child, before I turned 4 years old, is what I'm focusing on. They are few and easy to count, those memories, but if I think hard, I can remember more. Playing around in that lonely house with the huge lands with my sister, cutting in the curtains with a pair of scissors as I just started to learn how scissors worked, a tiny children's swimming pool in the front yard, bathing in mud during a minor flooding... If I dig deep enough, I believe I can find absolutely everything. Every single moment of my entire life.

Is it weird that I think that? Cause it's all stored somewhere. And I think I'm one of those few people who managed to access a lot of memories. Especially from my early childhood and the first few school years. I could have been so much. I was such a promising child. Smart, wise, kind, honest and loyal. I wonder what happened. What went so terribly wrong that it completely ruined everything? Now I'm just miserable, suicidal, a mental fuck up, broken and alone.

I miss who I never got to become, who I should have been but never could be. They broke me, I broke me. "Where the children of tomorrow share their dreams"...