It doesn't feel like a new day, I hardly left yesterday behind me. All I did was crash on the couch for a few hours and woke up cold and hungry. Last thing I ate I purged and that was over 5 hours ago, possibly more, but I think it was around 3-4:00 this morning. My coffee tastes bad and I haven't taken my meds yet. I don't even want to. I left my computer on, it was more like taking a nap and I wanted to hear the music from it.
Half of October has already past, almost, and I'm still fat. It's so dis-encouraging. I won't weigh myself today because I didn't undress and I don't want to do that just for the scale. So I'm skipping today and go for it tomorrow again. Once again try fasting cause I've gotta. Only try to stick to fluids and I don't care if it only goes up to 50 calories or 200.
I don't know if me skipping my meds is me not caring if I live or die, or if it just feels uncomfortable taking them and I'd like a fucking break. I feel so empty, like I always do when I've just got out from sleeping. I don't even remember dreaming anything but I'm guessing that I did anyway.
I've never shown anyone my book of numbers, where I write down my weight and all the calories and what I've consumed throughout the day. I guess no one's ever asked to see it. I'm imagining what seeing my family could be life, if I've reached my goal by the end of December. Mostly I'm having an imaginary conversation with my sister. I don't know why. I think that if I do get down to 50 or 51 kg I would tell them that, if they asked. Last time I weighed that little I think I was around 10 years old.
Before then I don't remember what I weighed at what age. My childhood years are a little blurry and I didn't keep track of or cared about such things. I thought I was too fat already then though, as I kept comparing myself to my sister who was much thinner. So I know what she weighed, but not what I weighed. I thought it was too much but didn't have a single thought about losing weight. I didn't know how to, I barely even saw the connection between food and weight.
I was at a normal weight all the way up to my later teenage years. I've never had any problems maintaining a normal weight until I took medication that made me gain. Still I thought I was too big. Not fat, but I wanted to be thin like my sister was. Now I'm the thin one of us two and it keeps screwing with my head. Like I don't even believe it. That maybe soon she could be the one carrying me around, like I used to carry her around when we were kids.
Would that be a goal? Haha no, just saying. Think it would be a tad awkward too, unless I was extremely emaciated and literally needed to be carried. I don't aim for that either, I want to be as independent as I can be and ending up needing that much care from others would probably crush me. But I won't get that way cause I'll die before that. And even if you still won't believe in my prophecy, believe me when I say my purging will put me in the grave much sooner than my starvation.
I don't think it can get much more dangerous than this, with starvation plus purging. I think it's the two most dangerous symptoms of eating disorders, and combining them... I don't know, I just don't know. How can I know the exact danger degree? I don't even know it approximately. It's a hard thing to do research on, but I will if I can figure out a way how. Cause I want to know, I want to know how much longer I can expect to survive living like this.
Numbers are my life and I want percentages, scientific research and valid proof. But I'm guessing I'm not gonna get that. Especially since I'm way too afraid to ask someone who would know this stuff. I know it's dangerous, it's so fucking dangerous, but I don't know if we're talking months or years. It could be either, I'm practically clueless.
If I keep going like this and stay away from binging or reactive eating, I could definitely reach my goal. But I know what happened last time, so I'm having that thought constantly gnawing in the back of my head. That what if I turn to food again and can't stop eating again? I fear it like nothing else. And that's the real fucked up thing: I fear gaining weight much, much more than I fear dying from my eating disorder.
Yeah I'm just so messed up these days, and this illness is really screwing with my head. Sometimes I can't tell if it's more physical or mental. It's like it just takes up all the space and I'm just lost, lost, lost. Sometimes it feels like I'm making no sense at all. Of all the crap I've gone through, I've never felt so mentally ill before. So consumed rather than handicapped. I've always manifested physical symptoms for all to see, or at least, for anyone smart enough to see.
That I walk hunched over, my headache that makes me grab my head and cringe, my slow walk, how confused I am, the anxiety boiling over, being found sitting down rocking myself. I've always been visually handicapped despite not having any visual disabilities. And the phrase "it's all in your head" is all too real. Both literally and figuratively.
How did I become such a mess? I sometimes wonder how it is that I seem to attract difficulties like flies to sugar. I usually blame it on my curse, my half crazy beliefs that just fit into my half crazy world. And I do say half cause in spite of everything, I still have some of my sanity left. I think I cling to it. Cause in the end, all that I really have is myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment