It's my life

So I've been going without food for almost exactly 48 hours now. That's 2 full days and still counting. How I feel is both positive and negative. On the negative side I'm very tired, hungry, weak and cold. On the positive side I have almost no anxiety, I feel light as air, almost kinda free and confident that maybe I can actually do this. Fast for 7 days. Living on only coffee and tap water.

But the sadness is still tearing me apart, I still don't really want to live. I cling to my deadly eating disorder like a drowning person clings to air, in lack of finding a better likeness. Cause it is deadly. Of all the actual eating disorders you could be diagnosed with, ednos is the most dangerous. That's right, more so than anorexia. It has the highest mortality rate of them all.

And it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's the combined restriction, fasting, binging and purging that really takes a toll on your body. It's harder to reach a thin goal weight with ednos cause you're likely not just decreasing what you eat, so you gain weight back, go down again and it literally becomes an endless, evil yo-yo weight loss and gain spiral.

With that said, I know it's darkness, pure darkness from my point of view, but I still love my eating disorder. It's become my sole reason to live, and what's more dangerous than that? It basically means that I cannot ever stop. I'm condemned, damned to its torment and beguiled by its promises of one day achieving the perfect body.

And I hope I can break the chain and stop the binging for good. Cause in my twisted mind that's the only thing that I hate about it. Gorging on food like there's no tomorrow while crying cause my stomach is a bottomless pit and I just cannot stop eating no matter what. That's what's scary, that's what I don't like about it. But, I haven't binged since before my relapse and I hope with all fingers and toes crossed that I won't ever again. Or if I do, that it won't turn into a horrible binge cycle again that just makes me gain and gain and I can't for the life of me stop eating.

That scares me way more than having gone 2 days completely without food. It scares me more than purging until I almost pass out. And somewhere deep inside my fucked up brain I am longing for anorexia instead. Cause in my world that means certain weight loss and only keeping the good things about my eating disorder. I'm not even sure I should announce that.

I should be wanting to get better. I shouldn't have relapsed and thought that was the best thing ever. If the world outside of the computer screen ever gets to know, I'll also let them know that if they'll try to force me into recovery I will most certainly unleash Hell upon them. Every single one that steps in my way. Every. Single. One.

Cause it's my fucking body and it's my life. I hate being a property of this awful society, cause isn't it just fucking obvious that I am when they force me into mental health care against my will? What happened to my freedom? It's an illusion. Made to let you think that you're in control of your own life but in fact you're only in control when you're pursuing something good. Like a healthy lifestyle. Not if you're pursuing death and being as unhealthy as possible.

Cause I know. Oh damn I know. I know it so fucking well, every single institution that I've been to. I'm so done with that crap. I just want to be left alone and why should I have to suffer in silence when I'm not hurting anyone else but myself?! I'm 26 years old and for soon 11 years I've been forced to this and that cause they said it would make my life better. They've been nothing but wrong. Abstaining is far worse than suffering. Trying to quit whatever harmful habit you have is just not worth it for me.

I wish I had realised that sooner and just stopped going to mental health clinics, stopped trying to get better when all I've ever wanted was to live life on my own terms until I finally don't have to live anymore. Life is temporary, existence is not. I believe in something much greater than this. Worlds much better than this one. I only feel trapped and alienated and as if I would be doing something wrong when all I've ever done is trying to survive in the prison I've been thrown into.

I'm done living by human standards, I'm done pretending to be human. From now on I live as I want to live despite every single person telling me exactly how wrong it is. I'm not doing it for you. From now on there is only me, and if you want a part in my life, don't intervene. Don't ever try to change me. I know some of you never have, if you're reading this, this isn't directed to everyone I've ever known. Just most of them.

Soulmate sister, K, even you Y if you still read my blog, have I never seen trying to stuff me into the tiny human shaped box I'm supposedly meant to fit into. So you're okay by me. You are all different, better in my eyes. Even you M, if you read this, I can't know for sure who does anymore. Actually I have several friends who's name starts with an M but if you're married to my best friend that's you.

I'm mostly just raging into empty air. I know I do. Against my parents, my school, everyone who's ever worked in psychiatry and the crew. A lot of my friends too. Or should I say former friends. I'm not saying let me die, all I'm saying is let me live my life the only way I can until I can't live anymore cause we'll all die of something and I'll die of suicide.

This eating disorder is the only way I can do it. It's the only way I can get to my next birthday or even just to Christmas. Without it I'll die. With it I'll die too but it will take longer time, trust me on that. I've only got a few months to live, if I can't do it my way I just can't do it at all. I'm stuck in my delusion about that prophecy and I've just been sinking deeper and deeper into it lately. Cause maybe the still rational side of me realises that it is more or less a delusion.

That it's just not rational to believe so strongly in something that to most people can seem like some fucked up kind of fantasy. Who can truly know when I'm going to die? After all these suicide attempts that always fail, but always hint that maybe next time it won't. Who can know? I believe in visions and ancient gods who contact me magically, of course I must seem delusional.

But you know what? It's my life and I don't know how else to live it. I'm crossing the border of being fucked for life or maybe I already did a long time ago, just that no one wanted to realise that. I was too young to be fucked for life, despite everything that I had gone through already then, despite never wanting to live in the first place. Life has treated me badly. If I compare, I surely can find a whole country of people who's been fucked over far worse than me and still have some kind of chance in life. But I have my curse, my prophecy, my crazy beliefs of past lives and a homesickness that's been tearing me apart for over 20 years.

So no, I don't believe that I ever had a chance. I wasn't sent here to succeed or to live a long and happy life. Perhaps I've just created my own hell while missing something better, but that doesn't change anything. Life just won't get any better than this. Probably just worse. I've always known that, I've always lived with that burden.

Okay I'm starting to feel whiny now, so I guess rant is over. I'm just gonna disappear into my darkness until I have no more disappearing left to do.