Stay dark

I think I finally figured out why I can't watch movies or read books. It's because my dark thoughts never ever leave me these days. I can't focus away from them, not even for a few minutes. I just took 1,5 mg of theralen. It's oh so disgusting but I need the kick. Hopefully I'll get any kick at all. I'm a mess today. Just drowning in my devouring darkness. I just realised another thing, that the word "poetic" means heartbreaking or awful to me.

Because that's the kind of poetry I write and sometimes also read. If a poem isn't bleeding, I'm not satisfied with it. I had to rinse my mouth with mouthwash and smoke menthol cigarettes to deal with the taste of theralen. It feels like I have mint all the way up my nose right now.

And I keep dreaming of death almost every day now. It shatters and it soothes. Like fire it consumes everything but even destruction is a form of creation. I've been chain smoking for weeks and my cigarettes don't last very long at all. 10 packs in just about half a week, I'm more expensive than ever. But that and groceries are the only things I pay for these days. It's ruining my health but not nearly fast enough, I don't even have chronic obstructive pulmonary disease yet. Not that I'm aware of at least.

I'm not medicating my anxiety cause I have no anxiety. It's just my excuse for when I'm feeling awful things that I can't explain. Now I just want to get high for no reason other than being bored, I don't medicate to get better. But I will start taking the sleeping pill Imovane again likely already tomorrow when my mother brings me some. In the right dosage, just to be able to sleep at night cause my circadian rhythm is fucking with my school and I miss out too much.

And I do want to feel worse, I want to completely immerse myself in my darkness and succumb to it. I want for it to destroy the last bit of joy in me. Maybe I am some kind of martyr, my pain is my key to freedom, only it can take me where I want to be. So I ride the storm as I fuel it and keep fueling it, stirring up the chaos on purpose. Get worse, go deeper, dig faster until I reach the core.

All of my darkest secrets, the memories keeping me in distress. I want to know it all, everything that crawls in the darkness beneath my skin. I want to know myself better than anyone. Only then I can be true. I want to keep digging until I'm no longer afraid of my own subconscious, only then I can be free. When I no longer have a subconscious, when it's all up on the surface.

When it's too much to take, too much and never enough, cause it never is. I need more. Learn to know the dark universe inside of me. What did they do to me? What did I do to them? These glimpses are not enough. I want to become so destroyed that I can no longer sleep without nightmares and night terrors. Only then I can overcome my fears and face them.

As long as I keep hiding from myself it's just gonna keep destroying me and I won't be able to let go. I'll keep living in tension and fear of what I've become. I shouldn't fear me, you should. I'm reacting strangely to the drug. Half tired, half high, partially darker, partially numb. It's having a strange double effect and I want to stay dark. Now and forever.

I need to tip the scale, I need to make this effect stronger and I think eating something can possibly help. Half a sandwich, 99 calories. That'll have to do. I invite the darkness once and for all. I keep staring at the things in front of me without understanding what I'm looking at. It wasn't a very high dose, was it? I'm disconnecting from the world around me and go even deeper into myself. Lost in the endless downward spirals I lose myself in the music. No one can save me any longer, cause I don't want to be saved.